Hello dear readers! It has been way too long! I sincerely apologize, however I’ve been busy writing my latest book Zero to Ninety and I can’t give away all of my dating and relationship theories! But being the middle of summer, I want you to grab a strong one and get ready for Drinks with Jess!
Yes, it’s true… I’ve been busy on this end, but that doesn’t stop me from observing my everyday environment. Speaking of which, I witnessed the most intriguing man.
We all know that I’m not attracted to men, but this specific man was so cool I couldn’t help myself but admire.
He wasn’t attractive in my eyes, nor was he doing anything but walking down the street. I haven’t stopped thinking about him and his behavior for days. Do you want to know why?
I will speak about the strength factor in my soon to be released book and being unshakeable is a part of that component. So after days of writing that particular chapter, I got to witness it first hand.
I was taking Nacho on his early morning walk by the hospital. This big, tall dude was walking slowly and calmly perpendicular to me about to cross my path. He, like most of us, had a cell phone in his hand. As he crossed in front of me with his arms swiftly at his sides, relaxed beyond belief, I heard a voice.
“I’d never disrespect you!” This was followed by other obscenities and yelling. Now I don’t know the situation, but this woman was clearly pissed. This was not what caught my attention. What struck me was the man’s coolness about it.
She was on speaker, ranting and raving while he just kept walking and even stopped to say hello to me and pet Nacho man.
This dude exuded total confidence. He knew that what she was saying, she needed to say, but didn’t engage. He didn’t defend himself, he didn’t argue, he didn’t fight. He knew that no matter what the outcome, he was going to be ok.
So what is the lesson for all of you?
In our community, we display such anger and insecurity sometimes, that we fly off the handle. Strength is not only about being unbreakable, but also confident in knowing that you will be fine.
This was a short post, I know. However, this point is so straight forward I don’t want to fluff it up with meaningless bullshit. This is as plain and simple as you can get!
I want you to ponder this story. I want you to reflect on when you’ve lost your cool. I want you to read this simple and straight to the point post over and over again! I want you to be as cool and composed as this guy when faced with opposition. And I want you to pour another strong one and join me again for Drinks with Jess!
It has been way too long, dear readers! I missed you all, but I did have to take a hiatus to finish my second book (and needed the material). Still, I can’t give away all my secrets via blogging. However, it’s officially June 1st, and I am ready to write once again! So grab your margarita glass, fill it to the rim, and enjoy a Drink with Jess!
Oh yes… now this is my time of year! Let’s give it up for summer! This is when life gets really exciting, but watch out, because you may get stuck. This is the time of tanned and toned bodies, dripping wet as they exit oceans and pools. The vision of women donning little (or no clothes), sweat glistening every inch of skin, while the smell of humidity in the air brings sex to the mind.
This is the time where we are creatures looking for excitement. So jump into summer: not into relationships.
Now, I’m not saying "don’t have or start a relationship", but I’m here to talk about being present, enjoying every moment without stress, and stop being “quick draw McGraw” when you meet someone new! Seriously, in our community, we are, for various reasons, the fast and furious when forming relationships. My job is to enlighten and educate you on this topic. Here are my top two actions to control!
If you are single, have fun. Go out, meet plenty of people. And by all means, date around. Men are better at this than women; though it is perfectly okay to date many people at one time.
If you have been dating and recently started a relationship, please take time for yourself and with friends and family to have fun independently from your girlfriend/boyfriend. This alone is one of the most important activities to do throughout every stage of a relationship!
2. Speaking of going out, the number 2 atrocity is texting while enjoying other ventures. Nothing is more annoying when your friends or family want you to stay present than either:
A). Getting back right away to one of the new girls, or
B). Initiating when you’re supposed to be living your life.
I know it’s harsh to say, but if you are dating around, or even coupled with someone new, you are not obligated. Many times when I see people get back right away, it’s not because they want to, it’s because they don’t want to lose the other person. Not sending a message back right away, instantaneously, isn’t going to not keep that person around. It may cause more wanting and mystery.
Again, being at someone’s beckon call is not attractive. If they want that, grow a pair and know you deserve more. Otherwise, go be an intern.
So, rather than going on another coffee run for your boss, try pouring some more tequila in that margarita glass, and join me for another Drink with Jess!
It’s that time once again, people! It’s called “Springtime”! Yes, this is the time where we are all born anew, and energy starts to awaken. And like a caged animal, we are ready to go back out into the world with reckless abandon. Sniffing around for new loves to play with is exhilarating, however, if you already have your partner in crime, you’d better watch out! No need to fear or get jealous, just grab a Caged Heat (if you haven’t heard of this one, it’s a must… pineapple and papaya, need I say more!) and enjoy a “Drink with Jess”!
A topic that has been coming up in conversation lately is one of jealousy, but commentaries I have heard are not the usual routine of calling someone out for being jealous. These were people voicing their own jealousy, and demonstrating the behavior that goes along with it. These were all women in different relationship stages as well as different ages. I must admit, I was dumbfounded to the point where I wish I had recorded the conversation. But let me break this down for you: It’s not called jealousy, it’s called fear!
My theory is that fearing something is considered a weakness, so we just change the word (in this case, jealous is the word of choice). Let’s look at a few scenarios, to see what people actually fear, and the behavior that shows it. By the way, some of the most deplorable examples can be seen in YouTube videos, you may want to watch some so you understand how NOT to behave!
Scenario 1 – You are casually dating someone.
This is always humorous to me. You begin to date someone casually. You may take them out and notice that they scan the room on occasion. You may see pictures of them on their phone or in their home with other people. In your mind, a wave enters, flooding it with questions. If you are really fearful, they may escape your mouth from time to time. Common ones are: Is it an ex? Are they gay? Who are they? Who are you looking at? Do you think they’re attractive? And the list goes on and on.
Here are a few things to remember in this scenario. First off, breathe! Remember, casual dating is not exclusive. Both parties are allowed to look at, talk to and even go out with others if they so choose! So why all these questions? Because you’re afraid. You are afraid of competition, you are afraid that you aren’t good enough, and you’re afraid of losing (something that’s not even yours by the way)! The best thing to do is to stay present when you’re spending time together. Take it easy, laugh, and have fun. Just because you go out on a date does not mean you are destined for a lifetime. If that was the case, we would all live happily ever after with the first person we ever went out with. Now how wrong does that sound?!
Scenario 2 – You have just become or have been exclusive for a few months.
Yes! The first 90 days are wonderful, right? In this stage, however, some people don’t think that their new significant “exclusive” other should talk to anyone other than them. God forbid they make new friends at school or work that they want to start hanging out with. Talk about giving the “stink eye”! In this stage, the aforementioned questions are now verbally asked, and intentional statements are made by the fearful partner to solicit a reaction that hopefully ends in their validation and statement of undying love and commitment.
If you find yourself in the exclusive stage, please remember that your new love is choosing you at the moment, and you them. However, if you continue the jagging statements or overwhelming probing, your partner will certainly leave. It is not their job to constantly validate you. It’s your job to deal with your fear. During this phase, you are wrapped up in each other, spending way more than normal periods of time together, and slowly but surely, real life creeps back in. Work, friends, family, and jobs have to take some of your and your partner’s attention away from each other. The best thing to remember is that you had lives before each other that were temporarily put on hold. Life has to resume, but that doesn’t mean you will go through some kind of heartache. Relax, and enjoy intermingling as well as taking time to continue as on independent person who has a life of their own.
Scenario 3 – The everyday well established relationship.
These by far are my favorite reactions to witness. You and your partner are good. It’s been a while, and you are happy together (for the most part). You’re lives have blended and hopefully you have not become the “we don’t need to go out anymore because we have each other” couple. On occasion you go out to enjoy a great time with friends, and a random person comes walking by you and your partner. Being nice they look at both of you, smile, and say hi. All of a sudden, you think that they only acknowledged your partner so they decide to follow you and confront you with the ever-so-common, “that’s my girl, you don’t need to talk to her”. This happens to me often.
If you are this person, there is no need for confrontation. To be honest, it makes you look stupid and controlling. People can say hello. Your partner is not your possession. In these situations, I have seen threats, screaming battles, and much worse. If you fear that you can’t trust your partner, I want you to keep this one thing in mind: the only person you need to trust is yourself. What I mean by this is, if your partner acts upon a new desire or engages improperly with another (cheating), trust yourself to know that you deserve better and let them go peacefully. You may fear being alone, starting life over, or going through an experience like this again, but you cannot control life’s ebb and flow, or people. You’ll get through it.
Whew! That was a lot! But when you talk to eight ladies about this, they have a lot to say! Take a look at your fears, because that is where jealousy comes from. Take it light-heartedly, refill your glass, watch some “jealousy” YouTube videos, and join me next time for more Drinks with Jess!
Hello, readers! It’s that time again, and just when we think we’ve made it through winter with ease, now comes the cold. What better way to survive the chill that to cozy up, share some laughter, and enjoy a Drink with Jess!
Yes, I said laughter. One thing I’ve learned from my parents is that laughing a lot is one of the most important aspects of a healthy relationship. You can chuckle with each other, poke fun at each other and belt out that much needed belly laugh.
Many people become downtrodden or have a negative attitude towards dating and relationships. Others feel nervous when going out with that new special someone. But with Valentine’s Day quickly approaching, I want you to perk up and feel the rush that laughing gives you.
It’s said that this one action is just as important as exercise. It relaxes your muscles, releases those oh-so-feel good endorphins, and is contagious to those that you’re around. So why not get yourself in the right frame of mind for your next date? Stop trying to be cool. Stop trying to impress someone. The best dates are the ones that are filled with laughter.
Think about it this way, if you’re depressed, if you’re just in a blah type of mood, even your friends don’t want to be around you. The same goes for your potential partner. To be honest, I want to enjoy life and if I look into the future and don’t see myself laughing with my partner, then that’s not the relationship that I want.
So, how do you build that humorous foundation? Initiate it from date number one! You don’t have to be a comedian or tell corny jokes that no one laughs at. Just follow a few simple tips to get you started.
Not in the mood to go out? Feeling a bit anxious? Watch a funny show or movie as you’re getting ready. Listen to a podcast that makes you chuckle. Hell, sometimes I call my mother to hear her make fun of my father (he’s always getting into something)!
Smile. Smiling is the easiest way to open the flood gate to laughter. Consider it the precursor. Smile at yourself, smile as you drive, smirk as you walk… whatever you are doing, do it with a smile!
Finally, once you’re on your date, tell embarrassing stories. Remember, this is when the two of you are getting to know each other. Dates are about fun, so show that side! Show an outrageous video of you and your friends (my personal favorite is three of us trying to start a riding mower in a garage after a party and kayaking down a snowy hill). This also allows them to see how you and your crowd interact. If you are all having a great time, your potential partner will look forward to the day when they eventually will be able to share in the craziness with you.
By all means, find joy and laugh at the dating process itself. If you’d like to hear more about this, click here to listen to last week’s podcast with comedian Michelle Tomko!
I’ve chuckled about good and bad dates. I’ve giggled at my goofy moments that occurred in front of that special lady. I’ve made a fool of myself plenty of times to know that those create memorable stories within a relationship. So grab your spirit of choice, lighten up and laugh, people! Above all, join me next time for more Drinks with Jess.
Hello readers! I hope everyone enjoyed winter storm, Jonas (seriously, that was the name), and that you are quickly seeing grass again. If you are in other parts of the country or world, next time it snows, I’m leaving town! I did, however, take a few days to decompress and enjoy a staycation full of movies and naps. I do enjoy afternoon naps, just like I enjoy an afternoon cocktail. So make a batida in a pineapple or coconut cup, pretend you’re on vacation, and enjoy a Drink with Jess.
During the wintery weekend, I took the time to catch up with friends as I was stuck indoors. Disconnected from the internet for a few days really worked wonders, which leads me to, you guessed it, old school communication! So, in true Jess fashion, I want my post to give you some helpful tips.
That’s right! It’s called a phone! Oh yes, we know how to facebook, tweet, email, text and use any other form of social media to communicate via these devises. However, you can also make a call! Who knew?
The cell phone has become our life and a great way to stay connected, but in the dating world it doesn’t form a connection. Sure, you can use dating apps to scan potential partners or even find a hook-up within a few miles radius when you are out-and-about, but it takes more than that to intrigue someone. And now, I’m determined to help you out with this.
Maybe my day to day observations of the younger generation add to the disappointment I feel in regards to the technological highway. I see young people every day who have social anxiety. They are afraid to talk in public, they can’t look someone in the eye, and they certainly aren’t growing into confident adults that will approach someone who peaks their interest. I understand this is a general statement, and I know there are exceptions, but for the most part, people in general need to learn how to have a voice!
Let’s take the time to understand how to progress from that dating app or dating site to an actual date. First and foremost, you see someone’s picture or profile and visually, you find them appealing. Now some apps are only pics so this can be a bit tricky, but if a written profile is included, please read it to see if this person meets your initial criteria.
Take the time to message them. Not just with a “Hey” or “You’re cute”, but with an interesting and short message. Save your life story for phone and face to face dates (sparingly)! Message once, then leave it be.
If or once they get back to you, it needs to be a quick procedure. Usually they’ll ask how your day is. Stay present with what’s going in your world right now to continue the conversation. You may exchange a few messages over the course of a day or two, but most people don’t feel like checking these apps all day. This is when you give your number and tell them to “feel free to text or call anytime.”
This may happen right away or within a few days, most people will text. Of course both of you are testing the waters and getting to know bits and pieces of information about each other. This may create a superficial bond, but to form something more appealing, they need to hear your voice.
Remember, thirty-eight percent of communication is voice tonality. It shows a lot about the type of person you are. We all use different tones of our voice to convey confidence or insecurity, happiness or sadness, love or anger. We also utilize our higher fun-loving tones and our deep sexy voices.
This very fact is why the phone call is so important, not only when you are getting to know someone for the first time, but also throughout your dating experiences and relationships.
So after a day or two of text, do yourself a favor and MAKE THE CALL! Don’t make yourself anxious by practicing what you’re going to say (I’ve done it, and it never comes out the way it’s practiced), just stay casual like you’re speaking to a friend. Most of all, use this call to ask that wonderful person out! After your first date, I expect a full report when you join me again for Drinks with Jess!
Well hello once again, readers! Two posts in a row! I know this week was supposed to be a podcast, but I have a very special one for next week, so make sure you tune in! Last week, I mentioned my commitment to the new addition to my family. Nacho Man! Unfortunately, we had a rough start and we decided to move forward slowly for his comfort and safety. Don’t worry, he is still my man. However, in one night, I learned more about relationships from a pup than I’ve learned in years! Over the next few weeks, my posts will probably reflect all that I’ve learned, and are still learning, as his transition becomes complete. But for tonight, make yourself a Salty Dog and enjoy a Drink with Jess!
What a weekend. Actually, what a long, not-so-quite, 24 hours. Here is a brief play by play. When Nacho came home, I took him to the pet store. He was so lovey, to absolutely everyone. It was great to see him like this. We had a fun and exploratory night, letting him sniff, play and bond during his first night in a new home. He even slept cuddled up in my armpit as he snored the night away. Yes, he stuck by my side. Yes, he was quiet, cute and more of an entertaining clown than what I had imagined. I was instantly in love. It was our first date!
We all know how that feels, right? You meet someone new and the first date is exciting and fun. Both people finally let their hair down, learning and enjoying each other until the night ends, or the morning begins. Those sometimes awkward or not wanting to say "goodbye" goodbyes, leaves you anticipating the next date. But what happens in the meantime?
Ring, ring, ring. Beep, beep, beep. Ok, I get it. We all continue to feel great the next day and wonder if we are on their mind too. That wonderful man or woman may just want to express thanks for the previous night. They may want to divulge what a great time they had. That's pretty natural. Hell, I can even understand a few texts throughout the day, like Nacho checking in as he was adapting. However, there is such a thing as "too much." With a dog, this is a part of the process. With dating, it can become overwhelming.
Picture it. Once in a while, as we hung out, he would venture to another room... quickly to come back and see if I was still there. He was getting comfortable and independent- so I thought. He followed me to the bathroom, where I finally closed the door to separate us. He was not thrilled. He scratched and whined. But I made sure I did a routine like peeing, coughing, turning on the sink and opening the door when done. One minute tops. I waited a while, and did it again, taking a bit more time… two minutes or so. Only one scratch, yet he was still standing on the other end lovingly waiting.
Yet, when it comes to dating, why is it that we expect a reply right away? Many of us, like a new pup, become anxious if we don't hear back from our new interest immediately! People have busy lives filled with work, family, friends and other daily responsibilities. Your text is probably not the top priority and after one date, it shouldn't be. Try not to let insecurities sneak up on you and run the show. Space is good. In fact, it's necessary for building a strong relationship.
Now, Mr. Nacho, doesn't understand the need for space. This is something he must learn. I thought he realized this when
he finally went in the crate with ease. Yay! This was my chance. I gave him a treat, and went out the door. Not five seconds later, I heard scratching at the front door. He got out of his crate! I should really make his nickname Houdini! He was barking, feet up on the door and pushed out one of my glass panels. Thank God he didn’t get hurt in any way. It was difficult to do, but I took him back to his foster family. I thought a slower transition would be better and he was not ready to be here for eight hours alone come Monday. Don’t worry people… he’s still mine! We worked out a slower transition plan.
You see, without time and space, possible insecurities can often result in clinginess. This happens so often at the beginning of a new relationship, and many times, it causes an end to the relationship. If you try, however, to understand where the insecurity comes from, you are more able to create the time and space needed in a healthy way for both people.
The trainer I spoke with put it this way. She said, “you met this dog a week ago, and he is spending his first night in your place without knowing you, your schedule and your environment”. I started to chuckle at this point, because I thought of the typical lesbian U-Haul perception. Yet, it made sense. She asked me “when you go somewhere for a night, do you sleep well?” Hell no! I toss and turn and feel unrested. New smells, schedule, sights and sounds make me want to take it all in. But, it also makes me uneasy. Add into the mix, if a person that I’m newly engaged with wants to go out without me, yes, it can be scary because I don’t know if they will come back.
This is how my new pup feels, and why it’s important to take it slow in order to become accustomed to each other. The best relationships are when we allow the other people to be who they are and they let you be you. It’s about slowly building that foundation of trust knowing that we don’t have to be by their side every moment and even at first if it feels uncomfortable, it can get better. The space we give and receive is how we grow. Seriously, how can you expand and be and do everything you want if you're caged in?
So get that anxiety out of your mind, people! If it’s new, and yes, I understand that you want to relax and have good times, it does take patience, effort, and understanding. So take it slow like me and Nacho! He will be here full time soon. Build that foundation, get to know each other, and feel comfortable in your own skin even when they are away. Dogs want to know that their alone time is for them to relax and enjoy themselves. Isn’t it the same for people? So finish up that cocktail, enjoy some personal time and make sure to join me next week for a special Drinks with Jess podcast!
Well hello everyone and happy New Year! I hope everyone had an exciting and healthy start and are ready to take 2016 by storm! I’m committed to jump right in! So grab one last glass of champagne and join me for a brand new post, toast and Drink with Jess.
That’s right, I’m committed to jump right in! After a relaxing and uneventful vacation, I did happen to take time for self-reflection in regards to commitment. In fact, I had a wonderful conversation with a client afterwards about this very topic. So on to the findings!
A few days before my vacation, I saw a picture of a pup that was available for adoption. For years after Bowman’s passing, I kept saying “I want a new one,” but came up with many excuses of why it wasn’t the right time. Last year, I came close, but decided against it yet again. However, this new one is Bowmanesque. The best part is that his name is Nacho! Adorable right?
Anyway, that night I sent a Facebook message to inquire about him. This started the ball rolling. During the week, I began to second guess myself. Not that I wasn’t loving or capable enough, but began to think about where my life is, my freedom, my schedule and every other thing I could think of. A few days before New Year’s I realized that it was the commitment that was scaring me, just like some people have (including me at times) when it comes to relationships.
With this analysis, I made a decision (not a resolution) that 2016 was the year of commitment for me. Whether it’s a dog, career, health or relationship, I’ve discovered something very important. Even though many people fear change, if you look at it as evolving (which is our purpose as we go through life) you can say decisively say “yes”.
Now when it comes to relationships, I find it funny that we have no problem wanting to commit to the wrong people with ease. But God forbid the right person comes along, many will shrink away from even giving them a chance. And we wonder why we keep dating the same type of people. Instead of evolving, we are repeating history.
In hindsight, we know that the person we usually pick won’t become a life-long commitment (even though we may wish it does). It’s safe, and it does allow us to learn more about ourselves and to grow from the experience. But for 2016, I want you all to make the decision to commit to evolving. Commit to stepping outside of the box with your dating life. Commit to giving the right person a chance and allowing them in to your world. If you don’t know how to decide who the right person for you is, check out Seeking Her, Knowing You on Amazon.com, it will get you started. Above all, commit to joining me again for Drinks with Jess (and a Nacho plate)!
Hello my dear readers! I feel as if I haven’t written an actual blog in a long time, so I am thrilled to talk about this mystifying topic with you. Now, I have encountered many things over the years, however, this truly is monumental! So grab yourself some Tennessee Whiskey, and join me for a Drink with Jess!
I love food, and yes, Memphis comes to mind. Seeing that I’m in Philly, I’ve always wanted to make that a road trip. But low and behold, I don’t have to… I can just hit the internet highway. So why do we not have to meet people in person? Because we can just meet them online. One phenomena that occurs more than often via this easy access lane is what we call “catfishing.” It’s been covered on Dr. Phil and other talk shows, it’s been talked about on radio, and yes, I have now seen this in action.
Before I get to a few keys on how to help you avoid these predators, I’m going to give you a short recap of what I witnessed. Now, this doesn’t mean that they are from some other country. After communicating, asking for mad amounts of money is a red flag we have commonly seen. Some, however, just like to play with people’s hearts. But remember, you are in control of you.
Long story short. I have lots of people on my Facebook and I do try to actually connect with people in my area. I’m not the person who believes that FB friends are actually friends unless you actually hang out. I noticed a woman in my area that liked some posts and pictures, so I sent her a message. She and I began messaging back once in a while and I figured I’d ask her to lunch. She appeared to be unbelievably hot in her pictures… here’s a clue… unbelievably. With that being said, we never did make it out which didn’t bother me because this was only a friend connection for me. I’m not a fan of overly materialistic or only selfie-taking primped girls.
Anyway, I received a message from another woman saying “she’s a catfish!” I knew something was off from the very beginning, which is another reason I wasn’t putting effort into this. Remember the crazy-hot scale. If you don’t know what that is, google it! Apparently, this particular woman said that the “hot girl” was saying that she loved her, making her think this was real, and even sending her messages quoting me, yet they weren’t the words I spoke. She called her out all over FB, and now the woman seemed to disappear, hopefully not to float back up to the surface. I feel for the woman who got caught up in this web. But let’s take a look at the signs because I will say that if you fall for these people, it is on you. So let’s stop that!
Look, I know everyone wants to find love. I know that sometimes people are so happy that someone is paying attention to them that they can fall for just about anything. But please, have the strength to pay attention to the clues above. Build your confidence so that you can have standards and expectations instead of falling for the next pretty face that says hello. Don’t believe the lofty expressions of feelings and grandiose promises. Promises are easily broken. But the one promise that isn’t, is that you can always grab a glass and join me for Drinks with Jess!
For more on "catfishing," check out my latest LesBe Real Radio Talk segment "I Know What You Want" by clicking here!
Hello friends! With the new chill in the air and November just beginning, this time of year signifies many things, and leaves much for life contemplation. You know how much I love that. However, many times even I notice a bit of a depression that comes along with the fall. Leaves and plants are starting to wither after their final beautiful burst of rich colors. Knowing that winter and cold are rapidly approaching brings a bit of despair, no? But have no fear... I’ve got you! Don’t let that base thought get to you. It’s time to spike some apple cider and enjoy a Drink with Jess.
Funny that I decided on apple cider… maybe it’s the image of the tree of knowledge floating around in my head today. But what does this have to do with dating and relationships, you may ask? Well, today I want to get to the root of all evil: “self-sabotage.”
In order to understand the actions that we utilize, it’s important to know where they come from. So, first and foremost, I will make this short and sweet. We all know that we have formed thoughts about ourselves from the people and experiences in our lives, especially early on from parents or guardians. Think about it. These are the people who created us and are supposed to love and protect us. However, many people haven’t had such great experiences growing up, which in turn, have developed negative inner thoughts about themselves. These people want to be loved; however, their actions of sabotage come from not taking time to go within and face the pain. If we really think about it, we believe love is scary, but it’s not. The scary part about it is that being in an intimate relationship with anyone means there is no more mask.
Pulling away can happen for several reasons, but the most common I have seen are having either a lack of trust or want to bury down past pains. For example, if someone felt abandoned by a parent, they may tend to pull away when things get good. If you couldn’t trust the person who was supposed to have your back, how can you trust anyone? As far as keeping the pains that we bury at bay, we pull away or even avoid relationships all together because we know that we will eventually have to unveil and face all of our pain in order to be in a completely intimate and healthy relationship.
Another sabotaging action is choosing the wrong people. Often, these are people that don’t treat us well. This is when people enter who cheat or are downright manipulative or abusive. Here’s the interesting part. We may have felt rejected, taught that we weren’t good enough, or that we were unlovable from a young age. We also may have learned that people are no good through bad experiences. This being said, choosing the wrong person provides us with 2 things: a reaffirmation that we are not lovable, or deserving, etc., and “proof” that there are no good people out there, thus providing the saboteur with a reason to avoid dating and relationships in general.
The last of these actions is one that I’ve personally demonstrated in the past. I tended to do something that would cause my partner to have a negative reaction towards me to the point that they would leave, even if that’s not what I wanted. This one is a bit different because it is a form of protecting yourself from getting hurt by them by having them hurt you. It sounds counteractive, right? But here is the thing with this one. You may have been made to feel guilty in the past. Sometimes, it comes from being criticized as a kid, not feeling that you can do anything right. But, you won’t feel guilty for hurting someone or leaving someone if they are the one leaving you. You don’t have to take accountability for hurting someone or destroying your relationship, and this allows you to not face themselves or their thoughts. Unfortunately when you realize what you did, you then feel guilty and it reaffirms that you can’t succeed in anything.
Although there are many different fundamental negative thoughts, defense mechanisms and other behaviors self sabotage can be woven into an intricate madhouse. If everyone musters up the courage to look honestly at themselves and their relationships, dig up the pain and see it as a way to stop “self-sabotage,” love won’t seem so scary anymore. For more on this, you can check out this week's "I Know What You Want" segment for LesBe Real Radio. Now show yourself some self-love, with an apple (and maybe some more cider), and make sure to join me next time for a Drink with Jess.
Hello my fellow readers! Things have been crazy, but I hope you’ve kept yourselves up to date! Since it’s been awhile, I’m gonna jump right in! So grab yourself the cocktail of choice, and join me for a Drink with Jess!
Over the past few weeks, I have had many opportunities and experienced a whole lot of stuff, but the one thing that has struck me is how often people try to impress others. Sad, isn’t it? I’m trying to keep myself awake for an 8:30 football game (yes, I’m still rooting for the Eagles!), but I have no problem saying that this is my bedtime during the week. It’s true and authentic. I wake up at 3:30 to go to the gym, so by 8:30 I’m exhausted. But nevertheless, it’s just my weekly schedule. And I’m not ashamed of it! That’s called “being you”!
You may be asking “What does this have to do with dating?” Well, I’m glad you asked. I was approached by a woman I’ve met in various circles. We were at the same event, and she was way too touchy. In addition to this, every second she could she was inflating herself. I wasn’t impressed.
So I’m going to declare this now, and I hope you do, too! It doesn’t matter how much someone makes. It doesn’t matter how much their family is worth or who they know. I’m looking for authenticity. And as much people think I’m going to say “that’s cool,” I don’t.
You see, there are people that look and spread the air of confidence, but after speaking to them, you know the truth. I personally feel insulted when others think that name dropping is the way to go with me. I was raised with smarts, morals, and a humbleness that my family instilled in me.
So to you, my dear readers, I riddle you this. Are you the type that is impressed by someone’s wealth and standing? Or, are you insulted when they think that of you?
Check in with yourself, because not a single one of you, who are deserving of true happiness, needs to believe people that aren’t authentic. If they are showing you an egotistical side, take that as a clue. It reeks of insecurity and desperation. If you want to date and one day enter into a relationship, set your sights on the people that are real with you. More importantly, be authentic with them from day one as well. You’ll be happy you did!
With that said, pour yourself another, and remember, when you’re in the presence of a “big” talker, practice patience, trust your gut, and by all means, excuse yourself from the situation. Hell, if they ask you out for next week, feel free to say “Sorry, I’m having Drinks with Jess”. Until next time!
Jess is a dating coach, best selling author, and radio personality in Philadelphia. She provides the LGBTQ community with no-nonsense, straight forward advice to understanding your mind in order to navigate the complex dating scene and go after and get the people you desire.