Hello readers! I hope everyone enjoyed winter storm, Jonas (seriously, that was the name), and that you are quickly seeing grass again. If you are in other parts of the country or world, next time it snows, I’m leaving town! I did, however, take a few days to decompress and enjoy a staycation full of movies and naps. I do enjoy afternoon naps, just like I enjoy an afternoon cocktail. So make a batida in a pineapple or coconut cup, pretend you’re on vacation, and enjoy a Drink with Jess.
During the wintery weekend, I took the time to catch up with friends as I was stuck indoors. Disconnected from the internet for a few days really worked wonders, which leads me to, you guessed it, old school communication! So, in true Jess fashion, I want my post to give you some helpful tips.
That’s right! It’s called a phone! Oh yes, we know how to facebook, tweet, email, text and use any other form of social media to communicate via these devises. However, you can also make a call! Who knew?
The cell phone has become our life and a great way to stay connected, but in the dating world it doesn’t form a connection. Sure, you can use dating apps to scan potential partners or even find a hook-up within a few miles radius when you are out-and-about, but it takes more than that to intrigue someone. And now, I’m determined to help you out with this.
Maybe my day to day observations of the younger generation add to the disappointment I feel in regards to the technological highway. I see young people every day who have social anxiety. They are afraid to talk in public, they can’t look someone in the eye, and they certainly aren’t growing into confident adults that will approach someone who peaks their interest. I understand this is a general statement, and I know there are exceptions, but for the most part, people in general need to learn how to have a voice!
Let’s take the time to understand how to progress from that dating app or dating site to an actual date. First and foremost, you see someone’s picture or profile and visually, you find them appealing. Now some apps are only pics so this can be a bit tricky, but if a written profile is included, please read it to see if this person meets your initial criteria.
Take the time to message them. Not just with a “Hey” or “You’re cute”, but with an interesting and short message. Save your life story for phone and face to face dates (sparingly)! Message once, then leave it be.
If or once they get back to you, it needs to be a quick procedure. Usually they’ll ask how your day is. Stay present with what’s going in your world right now to continue the conversation. You may exchange a few messages over the course of a day or two, but most people don’t feel like checking these apps all day. This is when you give your number and tell them to “feel free to text or call anytime.”
This may happen right away or within a few days, most people will text. Of course both of you are testing the waters and getting to know bits and pieces of information about each other. This may create a superficial bond, but to form something more appealing, they need to hear your voice.
Remember, thirty-eight percent of communication is voice tonality. It shows a lot about the type of person you are. We all use different tones of our voice to convey confidence or insecurity, happiness or sadness, love or anger. We also utilize our higher fun-loving tones and our deep sexy voices.
This very fact is why the phone call is so important, not only when you are getting to know someone for the first time, but also throughout your dating experiences and relationships.
So after a day or two of text, do yourself a favor and MAKE THE CALL! Don’t make yourself anxious by practicing what you’re going to say (I’ve done it, and it never comes out the way it’s practiced), just stay casual like you’re speaking to a friend. Most of all, use this call to ask that wonderful person out! After your first date, I expect a full report when you join me again for Drinks with Jess!
Well hello once again, readers! Two posts in a row! I know this week was supposed to be a podcast, but I have a very special one for next week, so make sure you tune in! Last week, I mentioned my commitment to the new addition to my family. Nacho Man! Unfortunately, we had a rough start and we decided to move forward slowly for his comfort and safety. Don’t worry, he is still my man. However, in one night, I learned more about relationships from a pup than I’ve learned in years! Over the next few weeks, my posts will probably reflect all that I’ve learned, and are still learning, as his transition becomes complete. But for tonight, make yourself a Salty Dog and enjoy a Drink with Jess!
What a weekend. Actually, what a long, not-so-quite, 24 hours. Here is a brief play by play. When Nacho came home, I took him to the pet store. He was so lovey, to absolutely everyone. It was great to see him like this. We had a fun and exploratory night, letting him sniff, play and bond during his first night in a new home. He even slept cuddled up in my armpit as he snored the night away. Yes, he stuck by my side. Yes, he was quiet, cute and more of an entertaining clown than what I had imagined. I was instantly in love. It was our first date!
We all know how that feels, right? You meet someone new and the first date is exciting and fun. Both people finally let their hair down, learning and enjoying each other until the night ends, or the morning begins. Those sometimes awkward or not wanting to say "goodbye" goodbyes, leaves you anticipating the next date. But what happens in the meantime?
Ring, ring, ring. Beep, beep, beep. Ok, I get it. We all continue to feel great the next day and wonder if we are on their mind too. That wonderful man or woman may just want to express thanks for the previous night. They may want to divulge what a great time they had. That's pretty natural. Hell, I can even understand a few texts throughout the day, like Nacho checking in as he was adapting. However, there is such a thing as "too much." With a dog, this is a part of the process. With dating, it can become overwhelming.
Picture it. Once in a while, as we hung out, he would venture to another room... quickly to come back and see if I was still there. He was getting comfortable and independent- so I thought. He followed me to the bathroom, where I finally closed the door to separate us. He was not thrilled. He scratched and whined. But I made sure I did a routine like peeing, coughing, turning on the sink and opening the door when done. One minute tops. I waited a while, and did it again, taking a bit more time… two minutes or so. Only one scratch, yet he was still standing on the other end lovingly waiting.
Yet, when it comes to dating, why is it that we expect a reply right away? Many of us, like a new pup, become anxious if we don't hear back from our new interest immediately! People have busy lives filled with work, family, friends and other daily responsibilities. Your text is probably not the top priority and after one date, it shouldn't be. Try not to let insecurities sneak up on you and run the show. Space is good. In fact, it's necessary for building a strong relationship.
Now, Mr. Nacho, doesn't understand the need for space. This is something he must learn. I thought he realized this when
he finally went in the crate with ease. Yay! This was my chance. I gave him a treat, and went out the door. Not five seconds later, I heard scratching at the front door. He got out of his crate! I should really make his nickname Houdini! He was barking, feet up on the door and pushed out one of my glass panels. Thank God he didn’t get hurt in any way. It was difficult to do, but I took him back to his foster family. I thought a slower transition would be better and he was not ready to be here for eight hours alone come Monday. Don’t worry people… he’s still mine! We worked out a slower transition plan.
You see, without time and space, possible insecurities can often result in clinginess. This happens so often at the beginning of a new relationship, and many times, it causes an end to the relationship. If you try, however, to understand where the insecurity comes from, you are more able to create the time and space needed in a healthy way for both people.
The trainer I spoke with put it this way. She said, “you met this dog a week ago, and he is spending his first night in your place without knowing you, your schedule and your environment”. I started to chuckle at this point, because I thought of the typical lesbian U-Haul perception. Yet, it made sense. She asked me “when you go somewhere for a night, do you sleep well?” Hell no! I toss and turn and feel unrested. New smells, schedule, sights and sounds make me want to take it all in. But, it also makes me uneasy. Add into the mix, if a person that I’m newly engaged with wants to go out without me, yes, it can be scary because I don’t know if they will come back.
This is how my new pup feels, and why it’s important to take it slow in order to become accustomed to each other. The best relationships are when we allow the other people to be who they are and they let you be you. It’s about slowly building that foundation of trust knowing that we don’t have to be by their side every moment and even at first if it feels uncomfortable, it can get better. The space we give and receive is how we grow. Seriously, how can you expand and be and do everything you want if you're caged in?
So get that anxiety out of your mind, people! If it’s new, and yes, I understand that you want to relax and have good times, it does take patience, effort, and understanding. So take it slow like me and Nacho! He will be here full time soon. Build that foundation, get to know each other, and feel comfortable in your own skin even when they are away. Dogs want to know that their alone time is for them to relax and enjoy themselves. Isn’t it the same for people? So finish up that cocktail, enjoy some personal time and make sure to join me next week for a special Drinks with Jess podcast!
Well hello everyone and happy New Year! I hope everyone had an exciting and healthy start and are ready to take 2016 by storm! I’m committed to jump right in! So grab one last glass of champagne and join me for a brand new post, toast and Drink with Jess.
That’s right, I’m committed to jump right in! After a relaxing and uneventful vacation, I did happen to take time for self-reflection in regards to commitment. In fact, I had a wonderful conversation with a client afterwards about this very topic. So on to the findings!
A few days before my vacation, I saw a picture of a pup that was available for adoption. For years after Bowman’s passing, I kept saying “I want a new one,” but came up with many excuses of why it wasn’t the right time. Last year, I came close, but decided against it yet again. However, this new one is Bowmanesque. The best part is that his name is Nacho! Adorable right?
Anyway, that night I sent a Facebook message to inquire about him. This started the ball rolling. During the week, I began to second guess myself. Not that I wasn’t loving or capable enough, but began to think about where my life is, my freedom, my schedule and every other thing I could think of. A few days before New Year’s I realized that it was the commitment that was scaring me, just like some people have (including me at times) when it comes to relationships.
With this analysis, I made a decision (not a resolution) that 2016 was the year of commitment for me. Whether it’s a dog, career, health or relationship, I’ve discovered something very important. Even though many people fear change, if you look at it as evolving (which is our purpose as we go through life) you can say decisively say “yes”.
Now when it comes to relationships, I find it funny that we have no problem wanting to commit to the wrong people with ease. But God forbid the right person comes along, many will shrink away from even giving them a chance. And we wonder why we keep dating the same type of people. Instead of evolving, we are repeating history.
In hindsight, we know that the person we usually pick won’t become a life-long commitment (even though we may wish it does). It’s safe, and it does allow us to learn more about ourselves and to grow from the experience. But for 2016, I want you all to make the decision to commit to evolving. Commit to stepping outside of the box with your dating life. Commit to giving the right person a chance and allowing them in to your world. If you don’t know how to decide who the right person for you is, check out Seeking Her, Knowing You on Amazon.com, it will get you started. Above all, commit to joining me again for Drinks with Jess (and a Nacho plate)!
Jess is a dating coach, best selling author, and radio personality in Philadelphia. She provides the LGBTQ community with no-nonsense, straight forward advice to understanding your mind in order to navigate the complex dating scene and go after and get the people you desire.