Sometimes during the cold weather, we have to force ourselves to go out. There is nothing I hate more than having to put on 10 layers of clothes just to walk outside, while freezing my ass off and trying to get in the mood to go on a date. It makes it worse if it is the typical “adult like date.” Yes, drinks or dinner is great, and who doesn’t love food and conversation, especially when getting to know someone? However, there are some pointers to planning a great date that not only allows you to get to know each other, but also form a connection, which is something that women want to feel, and enjoy lots of fun and laughs. So let’s start with a glass of pinot noir, and enjoy another Drink with Jess.
I love dates. Now, I have had some pretty bad dates, I’ve had the average adult date, and I have had exceptional dates. But here is something that I’d like you to contemplate before we go any further about the actual date part. I am reading this wonderful book titled “Falling Upward” by Richard Rohr, and in the introduction was the basic foundation of what constitutes as successful date.
We actually respond to one another’s energy more than to people’s exact words or actions. In any situation, your taking or giving of energy is what you are actually doing. Everybody can feel, suffer, or enjoy the difference, but few can exactly say what it is that is happening. Why do I feel drawn or repelled? What we all desire and need from one another, of course, is that life energy called eros! It always draws, creates, and connects things.
So what does this quote have to do with a date, you ask? Well let’s start with women. Remember, they base all their decisions on how they feel. Also, with you being a woman, you do this too. When it comes to going on a date, sometimes a simple "drinks-and-dinner" date can be good if you do it the right way. If you are not particularly good at exhibiting a positive energy because of nerves, a fun date where you are doing an activity may be the better route to take. But back to women. The energy that women are attracted to is displayed through your body language and tone of voice. They are also attracted to people who are social and can have fun and laugh. So whether it’s drinks and dinner, or something more active, you can do this!
Let’s examine the so-called “drinks/dinner date,” shall we? If it’s the first or second date, you may feel nervous for several reasons. First, you may be nervous because you don’t think you know what to talk about. Second, you may feel nervous because you don’t know if she’ll like you. And third, you may feel nervous because you don’t know how the night will end. Get this nervousness out of your head! Damn, sometimes women think too much! Please heed my warning… if you feel nervous, it will come out through your voice and since she feels your energy, that will make her feel uncomfortable too. Not such a good start, right? Women make a decision about you in the first 30 seconds, so it’s time to be confident.
Alright, on with the date. Keep it simple and don’t plan a whole night adventure. Meet for drinks, and maybe share some apps. That’s it. If you click, you can decide together if you want to bounce somewhere else. This “together” decision, by the way, is a team effort, and she will feel a sense of connection. However, women are attracted to decisiveness, so no matter if it’s just in planning, have a spot in mind. For example, a first date I had with a women a few years ago was great. She asked me to go to dinner and picked the spot, but she also wanted to meet for drinks prior. So at that point, I said “there is a place I love, close to where we're headed. I’ll meet you there at 5.” History was made, and after dinner, the rest of the night was decided on together.
Next, women want to feel a connection. So when you’re out, stay away from the 20 questions method. It’s so boring and not a true conversation. Seriously, my best dates started when I asked “how was your day?” just as if I’m talking to friends or family. This cuts down your nervousness too. Remember, you hardly know this woman, so just talk to her like you’d talk to anyone. She needs and wants to see the real you. Observe what’s going on around you. Make comments on it. Ask her opinions. Share what you know about the place you’re at, and if you’ve never been there, say, “I wonder…?” These things keep the conversation flowing. Ask the waiter/waitress/bartender questions if you need to and then comment on their response. Hell, talk to the people sitting at the table next to you. On the date I mentioned above, the woman went to the restroom. In the meantime, I wasn’t checking my phone or twiddling my thumbs. I made friends with the people at the table next to me. Please read my previous post, “Social Proof is in the Pudding.” When she returned, she saw how much fun I was having with others and felt their warm energy towards me. That was the key, because women like someone social. They notice when others enjoy connecting with you because it allows them a peek into how their friends and family will interact with you as well.
Now, dinner dates are great for getting to know someone, especially if other places are too loud. However, my favorite date is doing something more active or in combination with the dinner date above. These dates not only show your fun side, but can also form a great connection. My last date was one of my all time favorites.
Let me explain this date. I’ve been out a couple of times with this woman, and she is definitely peaking my interest at this point. So one night we decided to make a plan. She wanted to go to a country line dancing lesson. Now, I’m a salsa type of girl, but I’m game for anything new. Anyway, she suggested meeting earlier for dinner, so I said I’ll pick the place. I picked this awesome Greek restaurant in the area. She is vegetarian and I’m not, but I wanted to make sure there was plenty she would enjoy. Luckily, it was a restaurant neither one of us experienced. This fit well because neither one of us really did country line dancing before. When you’re having fun and enjoying each other with things neither one has experienced, it’s loads of laughs. So we had a glass of wine at one place and headed to dinner. We decided together what looked good and shared every dish; finally we went dancing, enjoying the positive energy and laughed because we were not the greatest at this activity, but helped each other and got help from others. This date, like other active ones, was the ultimate in connection and attraction. We each made a decision on places to go, ergo individuality, and decisiveness. We shared choosing food and the meal itself, hence connection. We had positive and fun energy flowing at all times, which led to no nervousness. And, we not only supported each other in a team effort, but laughed at ourselves and talked to others, hence connection and social proof at its best.
So dear readers, if you want to have a fun date that would lead to others, I strongly suggest something fun and new that you can enjoy together. New relationship and new experiences fit so well together. It’s like a new page written for a new day. With that, try something new, and get ready to be the real you at every turn! Get ready for your next date with me, because I want you to enjoy another Drink with Jess!
Like many of you, I too am tired of this cold weather. Although I have managed to get out and about, I have also spent much time at home searching my mind for my latest topic. Fortunately, cold weather, cabin fever and boredom led me to Facebook for some entertainment and experimentation. So sit back, fill a glass with Patron XO Café with a splash of Bailey’s, and have a Drink with Jess.
So back to my story of boredom, entertainment and today’s topic: rejection. Let me paint you a picture. I’m going through Facebook posts and many lesbian groups that I belong to start certain “games” that include posting a picture. One of these was called “date or pass.” You drop a picture and see what comments flow. Most of mine were “date,” and there were 2 “passes,” which is fine with me. I didn’t do this to feed my ego or calm some insecurity. I, quite frankly, was bored out of my mind and wanted to see what the hoopla was with people continuously partaking in these games. One person happened to make an unnecessarily rude comment, and as I looked at others’ posts, I noticed that many people make rude remarks. Talk about people feeling rejected. So I decided to delve further into this topic, because many people don’t really understand why rejection is so feared, how it holds someone back, and finally, how to truly handle it.
Think about it. You’re out with your friends, having a good time, and spot a woman you’d like to talk to. You keep trying to make eye contact, making her feel creeped out, and then you don’t expect to get rejected when you approach? Or even worse, you take too much time figuring out what to say and then don’t even bother going for it. Your fear of rejection is making you reject yourself! I’ve never quite understood why people fear the word “no.” After seeing such rude comments when women post pictures on Facebook, “no” is a breeze to handle. First of all, it’s not that you fear her saying “no” or “not interested” when you talk to her, it’s everything that goes along with it. You fear that she’ll then make fun of you to her friends, or that you’ll feel stupid for not saying the right thing or showing your nervousness. You also fear that you’re not attractive enough or bring enough to the table. The problem with this is that you don’t even know the girl, and you're acting like it will be the most embarrassing moment of your life like a 12-year-old middle school kid with a zit. This is nothing more then a lack of confidence in yourself, and it also shows a lack of confidence in others.
For many, this anxiety is so great that it stops them from approaching women. It stops them in many aspects of life in addition to dating. It stops people from personal and professional achievement, it stops people from having the life they want, and this “fear” can be a person’s worst enemy. So right here, right now, say “yes” to yourself! As I stated above, the only person who can reject you is YOU! Others may not be interested. Sometimes they even make you think that they are interested just to end the conversation. Women can be polite like that. But seriously, haven’t you ever gotten a phone number, made the call, and it went to voicemail? She never called back, and now you feel rejected! Now, before you get sad and ask yourself what went wrong or get angry: stop your whining, breathe, and remember... you made the call, so you didn’t reject yourself! That is the most important fact!
So what’s the best way to handle rejection? First and foremost, stay calm. There is no reason to get rude and retaliate. In fact, that is the most unattractive thing you can do. It makes you look like an angry sociopath, so please don’t do it! Remember this; you certainly aren’t interested in everyone that approaches you, so why are you worried about someone not being interested in you when you approach them? True confidence is knowing how great you are, and that being rejected won’t kill you. It’s about being able to walk away, because you’re not going to sweat or chase after someone who doesn’t want you, because at that point, you won’t want them. Sometimes this can actually work in your favor.
Jess is a dating coach, best selling author, and radio personality in Philadelphia. She provides the LGBTQ community with no-nonsense, straight forward advice to understanding your mind in order to navigate the complex dating scene and go after and get the people you desire.