Hello dear readers! I am feeling so hyped with spring finally in the air! That means it’s time for everyone to come out of hibernation and start playing. Now I’m not going to tell all my secrets in one post, but one thing that always makes me laugh is people not knowing how to utilize useful information or repeating history. So we are going stop that right now. Get ready to understand why a phone number is just a number! I have my vodka in hand, so grab yourself one and enjoy a Drink with Jess
You know, I tend to cater my segments to what I experience over the week, especially when I observe something that I know occurs often. This weekend, I opened the New Hope Celebrates fundraiser and I am fortunate to have had friends there to support me. Since it’s was a long sleepless week, I decided to be like Houdini and leave quietly after about 2 hours, because my bed was calling. When I got home, I received a text from one of my friends saying “I got a number.” No doubt my friend was excited about this, as we all get. And my friend is one that does things right, meaning she get’s the number and gets the date. But many times, we get the number and then… nothing. So today, I’m not only going to explain what to do after getting the number, but also why many times, someone gives you a number (especially women) even if they have no intention of going out with you.
So picture this, you’re out, maybe alone, maybe with friends, and someone catches your eye. Mustering up all your courage, you approach and have a good conversation. Hopefully minutes later (don’t wait too long), you get the number. Now I do have suggestions on getting to this point, but I’ll save those for another segment, because some people do this in a way that will ensure defeat. Anyway, you start getting a slew of questions running through your mind. Should I text her my number right away, should I text her later tonight, should I wait a day or two, or maybe I’ll just call. For some reason, not only do we get excited that someone gave us their number, but we see this as the prize. Well my friends, getting the number doesn’t mean getting the date, which is what you want.
So let’s get down to the nitty gritty. After you get the number, you can continue talking for a minute or 2 then excuse yourself and get back to the fun you were having before. If you try to stick around more, it seems encroaching and that you don’t have other things going on, it doesn’t give the impression (like me may think) that you’re interested, it’s more needy and desperate. And please, unless they tell you to, don’t text her right then and there saying, “I’ll text you right now so you have mine.” If she is interested, let her wonder when you’ll reach out. That my friends, is far more sexy. Personally I hate texting, but in this day and age, it’s common, but it definitely shows more confidence if you call. If you’re just looking for a booty call, then you’ll that person that texts or calls her later that night… so if you actually want to get to know her and take her out, just wait. Now there are no rules in how long. You can send a short text the next day saying it was nice meeting you, let’s get together soon. And leave it be. If she doesn’t respond, don’t keep hounding or sending some stupid message just to get a reaction. If she doesn’t respond, I’d call with a plan (date) in mind and leave it on voice mail. If no response, move on without a worry. You can’t get upset or depressed about no response, because you haven’t invested anything. Personally, I skip the texting mode most of the time. It’s not a way to have a conversation, at the beginning, its function is to set up a date, but again, I usually just call. Keep it short, have a day, time and place in mind. And if she isn’t available, don’t sweat it and don’t keep asking or trying to make other plans. If she is interested, she’ll come to you.
Now, many times people will give their number with no intention of going out with you, especially women. I’ve done it too, and there are various reasons. Maybe they are just not interested, or not enjoying the conversation so they give it to end the communication so they can get on with their night. Women especially are taught to “be nice, and be cordial” which translates to don’t hurt someone’s feelings. No one likes to reject people face to face. A big reason for this is that many times, if people say no or not interested, the person asking for the number reacts in a nasty manner and no one wants nor should they receive any backlash. So, they give the number but then never respond or pick up.
So what do you do if this happens to you? Again, as I always say, stay calm. No need to hound them, send tons of messages trying to find out why they aren’t responding. Just walk away and move to the next one. Don’t let your ego get in the way, because to be honest, you don’t want someone that doesn’t have an interest in you do you?
So go out and enjoy yourself. Keep getting those numbers and know that the result you want is getting the date. And if you have a problem calling those numbers, don’t worry. Just have another Drink with Jess!
Spring has sprung, people! This means warmer weather, new experiences, and fun to be had. However, sometimes with the explosion of pent up energy we tend to forget that it may be a full moon. You see, I had a very interesting experience this weekend. As I said to a friend of mine, “something is bound to happen.” Well, grab yourself your drink of choice, because we are going to discuss being judgment free and unshakeable during this installment of Drinks with Jess!
Now, I try my best to be non judgmental. And as human beings, we can’t help but place a “good” or “bad” label not just on people, but on their behaviors or just about any occurrence that comes our way. For some reason, this weekend was a complete display of this mental process. Just as if we are holding a grudge or labeling a previous relationship or partner, many people tend to label the present and future situations. I’m not sure why, but they do. So allow me to explain.
Although I was originally planning to have a “stay-cation” last weekend, I, of course, can’t help wanting to have a great time with my crew. Hell, we are the party. Anyway, we decided to go to a bar/restaurant that we have never gone to together. In fact, I have never been before, but they were having a ladies party and we figured it would be nice to be around new faces for the night. Besides, I’m always up for something new and exciting.
However, a few hours before going to New Jersey, I found out that my “previous” was going to be there as well. Now, it’s been over a year, and as much as I loved her, I got my closure and have since moved on. But as I said before, like the craziness of full moons, when you are feeling great, enjoying life, and have your shit together, something is bound to happen. This knowledge of course, stopped me dead in my tracks, because I started to judge what the night would be like. I caught myself thinking that this was a small place and it’s inevitable to bump into each other. I judged this possibility as “bad” because most of the time, running into an ex for the first time is uncomfortable... even in a large space. I also judged it as a bad situation because even though I knew how I would handle it, my friends were unsure. In fact, one friend saw the attendee list, and wasn’t sure if she should tell me. Another friend asked if I wanted to go somewhere else to avoid the situation. Their apprehension and lack of confidence in me and my reaction made me think that it should be judged as a “bad” situation.
However, have no fear! I am an extremely secure and confident person. I also snap myself out of negative thinking pretty quickly. All I know is that I look good, I’ve accomplished a lot more than I ever expected this year (I love setting goals), and there is no reason to not be calm and cordial. So this occurrence can also be judged as “good.” It’s good in the aspect that it allows me to remember who I am, and that I have the power of choice. Many people have this strange notion that when unexpected or undesirable things occur, they have no power or control. These are the people who will judge a situation as “bad” to avoid all accountability. Screw that! That’s not me, and it never will be!
The point here is, every situation can be seen as “good” or “bad.” But instead, try to just see it as an event that gives you the opportunity to demonstrate who you want to be in relation to it and the people involved. Relationships aren’t just between people. We relate to everything, all of the time and everywhere.
Oh, so how did it end? Unexpectedly. As far as the time that we were there, she didn’t show, and I’m not going to say if that was “good or bad.” With that, dear readers, don’t judge how tasty your last drink was, just pour yourself one more and hope you look forward to having more Drinks with Jess.
Ah, spring is finally upon us. Leave behind the cold weather, snow and frozen toes, and let the sun and warmth resurrect you. With the onset of brighter days, I went for my first outdoor run. As I was trudging through muddy ground, I instantly got a smile on my face. You see, once spring hits, I’m like a dog out of its cage. Another phenomena of the coming of spring is the fact that all the beautiful women that sheltered themselves all winter, all of a sudden appear. Out and about with their gal pals, whether it’s a casual lunch and shopping extravaganza or a night out on the town, they are dressed and ready to impress. So make yourself a mango margarita, pretend it’s vacation time on an island surrounded by beauty and, of course, enjoy Drinks with Jess.
Now, I do believe every woman is beautiful, however, what I am talking about here are the especially magnificent physical specimens that you rarely come across. The ones that on first sight make you sweat, tongue-tied, and afraid. It’s like you lose all confidence around these women, but right here, right now, I’m going to uncover the great mystery of these beauties so that you don’t have to be afraid to approach them.
Now, they may have their looks, know it and capitalize on it, but that doesn’t make them better than you. And to be quite honest, they hate being treated like a trophy or like they’re perfect, so don’t do it! Looks can only get them so far and they may not have anything else to bring to the table. If you are confident in yourself and know how amazing you are, then this shouldn’t hinder your approach.
They may be alone or out with the girls. They may appear to be pretentious, stuck up or clicky. Most of them aren’t, but there are always exceptions. But one thing to remember is that we are all human beings. We’ve all had good and bad experiences and we’ve all had our insecurities. Think about it, every woman wants to find a good partner, but beautiful women also deal with being approached or only liked for their looks. Because of this, they may feel jaded or even insecure because they know that there is more to them than that, but don’t believe people care that they have substance. They have real feelings, goals and the same “not good enough” issues that any other woman has.
Like any other woman, they want someone with good character, someone confident in themselves, and by all means, someone who holds their own. They want someone who wants to get to know them as a person and see past their looks. Think about it, don’t unattractive people feel the same way? I constantly hear both the attractive and unattractive say “I wish they could see how great of a person I am and actually give me a chance.” So with this in mind, approach them because you want to talk to them in order to see what kind of person they are, not because they’re hot. And don’t be off struck if they roll their eyes, say “no thanks,” or make snide comment. They are so used to being approached by those who want to just get in their pants, that this is a defense mechanism. If you are authentic and pure, simply wanting to talk to them as a human being without some sleazy ulterior motive, then they will become receptive.
So dear readers, start to get back that positive, playful, spring-like energy. Stop being such a scared baby and start talking to all women… even the astoundingly beautiful ones. I always tend to refer back to a student that I had who made the most profound statement for an 18 year old kid; he said “if all women were beautiful, then we would have to choose them based on their personality and character.” So keep this in mind, all women are beautiful. Start looking at them as human beings, and get ready to tell me some tales next week when you join me for more Drinks with Jess.
I am completely appalled. The other day I happened to come across a video that was quite disturbing. A butch lesbian was on a corner, when all of a sudden a car passes and she notices her, I would assume, recent ex in a car with another girl. The butch lesbian starts yelling and throwing a fit. She wouldn’t let the car move and was ready to fight. It amazed me that so many people act this way and think it makes them look strong and tough, hopefully thinking that their ex will return or at least say “I’m sorry.” Well, ladies, get ready to talk about real strength. Grab a swig of Johnny Walker and have a Drink with Jess.
Especially at the beginning of dating, one of the qualities that women are attracted to the most is strength. Reading the depiction above, this clearly is not the behavior that demonstrates real strength, nor is this the behavior that anyone in their right mind would be attracted to. All it does is make you look like a crazy sociopath that has no cool. So what are the components of this enticing quality? Strength is determined by 2 factors, your confidence and your leaderesque behavior.
I have talked about confidence before, so this is an easy one. When you know who you are, when you know what you want, when you know your expectations, your boundaries, and your own worth, you can stand true to that first and foremost. The woman in the above example displayed nothing but insecurity with her deplorable behavior. If she knew how great she was and had a positive mindset about herself, then she would have been confident enough not to care what her ex was doing or who she was with. All she made me see was a blow to her ego and how fragile she is. Besides, no matter how the break up happened, an ex is an ex, so don’t worry about them.
In order to build your confidence, try reframing your mind. Repeat to yourself often how great of a person you are, remind yourself of your accomplishments, and remember that whether someone isn’t interested in you, or a relationship ends, you know it’s their loss and that you’ll bring a lot to the table with the next lady that comes along. To be honest, confidence is easy to exude as long as you believe in yourself and don’t let other people determine your value.
Now on to the second component: how to be a leader. Imaging a world leader, a CEO of a company, or someone who just knows what they want and goes after it. Leadership is making a clear decision and being proactive about it. Think about it this way. If I decide that I want to get a Ph.D., I apply to programs, believe in myself, and don’t stray until I accomplish my goal. I’m not doing this for anyone else; I’m strictly doing it for me. Regardless if some schools reject me, I keep on until it’s complete. That, my friends, is a leader. I make my own decisions with ease because I know I can handle any situation that comes my way calmly. Leaders do what they want and do it their way. Leaders don’t follow the herd, they create their opportunities.
So in order to develop the leader in you, take time to know what you really want whether it relates to business, education, relationships, or life in general. Set your goals that you want and put the effort towards achieving them. When it comes to the dating arena, decide if you want to approach a woman and do it without worry about what she’ll think of you. If you want to take her out, set the date and you plan where to take her. Remember a leader knows what they want, so when it comes to a date, go where you want to go. Trying to plan a date on what you think she wants rarely turns out well, especially if you don’t know her. Besides, trying to please her will only come out as insincere in her eyes. Sincere gestures actually show confidence because you are doing something that you want to without expecting anything in return. When you try to please her, most likely you want something from her. Don’t be that lesbian! Dating isn’t a business transaction!
So go out there. Learn about yourself. See the best in yourself. Value yourself. Decide on what you want, declare it and go after it with ease. Be that confident leader in every aspect of your life at all times. This way, you will remain cool and collected and never have to worry about being the above crazy lady whose shameful reaction shows nothing but weakness. This is strength! So muster up all of your determination, take one last shot, and join me again next week for Drinks with Jess.
Jess is a dating coach, best selling author, and radio personality in Philadelphia. She provides the LGBTQ community with no-nonsense, straight forward advice to understanding your mind in order to navigate the complex dating scene and go after and get the people you desire.