This week I decided to talk about something very important… YOU! This is so essential that I call this week the “Triple Threat!” The reason valuing yourself, your opinions, and yes, your time, is that it shows you love and value yourself. It shows that you are decisive. It shows that you have strength, confidence, and integrity. Think about it, why would others value you unless you value yourself? So grab your refreshment of choice, and join me for a Drink with Jess.
Since I spent most of my holiday weekend relaxing, I spent a lot of time investigating my past relationships, behaviors, memories, and much more. Maybe it was the extreme amount of contact or “run-ins” with exes over the past week that provoked this, but either way, it served its purpose. This week I talked about valuing yourself as far as physically and mentally. It’s so important to do this for you, instead of basing your value on others’ opinions. And then, I realized I wanted to delve deeper, leading me to this week’s video on valuing your opinions! But what is the one thing that most of us forget to value? Our time!
Whether in a business situation or a relationship, it seems that the mental construct of time tends to be of least importance. However, since I am talking about why it’s important to value your time when dating or in relationships, let’s look at the common occurrences.
You are first dating someone, and for some crazy reason, you think that if you don’t spend all your time together, you’ll lose them. You miss out on friends and family, change your plans, or as if some black hole has swallowed you up, you disappear from the world only to think of your existence as this new relationship. We all have done this at one time or another and we must admit, how often did that lead to a lasting relationship?
Another thing that happens is that we jump at the chance to see the other person when they ask, but have yet to understand why they don’t jump at the chance to see us when we have a spur of the moment fun idea or even try to plan a date in advance. This only ends up leaving you with the feeling that you are now being used or have become a doormat.
Finally, whether dating or with a long term partner, when they consistently run late, and you allow it, you show that you don’t value your time and as a result, neither will they.
Valuing your time, among other things, shows that you value you. Now, let’s take each of the three and see what you can do and how this can aid in attraction. It’s doesn’t take a genius to see in the first example all you have to do is be confident that you won’t lose this person, if you still take time to hang out with others. First and foremost, if they did leave, then they weren’t the person for you. Secondly, it shows that you have a life and this is something that women find attractive. Last but not least, you won’t seem clingy, which will earn you extra points in the attraction category. So keep having your own life, don’t spend every minute together, and let someone miss you and wonder what you are up to!
The second example is one of my personal favorites because this was something that I used to do. When I constantly tried to make plans with someone and they kept flaking, I would jump at the chance to see them as soon as they asked. Thankfully, I realized that I enabled this situation to occur, which led me to change my behavior. But, this saying “how high?” as soon as they say “jump” reeks of desperation. So, how do you handle this situation, value your time, and let them know that you won’t just “run” to them as soon as they ask. Ask to have plans made in advance once in a while. Don’t be a doormat, women don’t like it! They like someone with a spine, so value your time and say “no” when you want and need to!
Finally… being late. This is my pet peeve, but simple to correct. It’s one thing if it doesn’t happen often and hopefully they let you know as early as possible that they are running late. However, when you notice that it becomes constant, say something about it. If they can’t value your time, you must. Again, having a backbone is an attractive quality, so speak up for yourself.
So there you have it, dear readers! Between all the segments this week, you are now worth more than all the money in the world. Value you, value your opinions and after reading this, you better value your time. In fact, take some time away from that girl or your partner next week and enjoy another Drink with Jess!
Well people, I’m finally caught up on my sleep after spending the weekend celebrating New Hope Pride! What a weekend it was! With so many different events, this led not only to meeting a ton of new people, but gave me plenty of time to observe. So in the spirit of people watching, grab a margarita in a bucket, (apparently that was my favorite for the weekend) and enjoy a Drink with Jess!
As I alluded to, I love people watching. In fact, body language is one of my all time favorite topics! There is nothing better than watching how people act and react in and out of their natural habitat. Seriously, the discovery channel should make a show of this, displaying humans as wild animals! To continue, after observing body language at its best and worst, I decided to use that for today’s Tipsy Tuesday video. However, one element that I haven’t discussed is your voice.
Didn’t you hate listening to your voice as a kid? Remember those God awful tape recorders and answering machines? I bet you still probably hate leaving messages for people. Well I’m here to tell you to get over it, because voice tonality is an important part of communication, and yes… attraction.
So I’m going to give you the break down, fast and easy. We are animals. And in the world of animals, what you feel takes precedence. They are in-tune with the present moment, vibrations, their environment, and other animals. Women, like animals, base their decisions on how they feel at any given moment. In this capacity, it’s necessary to understand that non-verbal communication is 98% of our communication. Body language (including facial gestures) accounts for 55%, voice intonation is a stable 38%, which leaves the words we say at a measly 7%. I think it’s hysterical when people are afraid to speak to someone or are worried that they won’t know what to say, because it really doesn’t matter! Hell, I observed some of the most ridiculous drunk conversations where you couldn’t make out half the words, and God knows at that point many couldn’t control their bodies, but voices could be heard and felt!
Since I spent many years studying and obtaining my degrees in language and linguistics, today, I want to utilize my education. The big key here is intonation (please don’t use inflection, it’s not the same)! Ok, so voice intonation is simply a variation of pitch, and other prosodic elements, that don’t distinguish words, but indicate emotions and attitudes. Think about it, when people speak, it’s simply vibrations that we as listeners feel. You can hear, or better yet feel, if the person speaking is depressed, happy, excited or horny.
Understanding how to speak, mixed with great body language reaps amazing results when wanting to attract someone. Put passion and energy in your voice, practice different volumes that you feel convey certain feelings. For example, when I am out people feel my confidence, my directness, my positive energy and my excitement through my voice. Whether I’m telling a story, having a basic conversation, or simply just saying hello, my intonation is dynamic and robust, yet playful and kind. Think about the best speaker that you’ve seen, the topic or words you may not care about, but if they speak well and utilize good intonation you’ll sit up and listen!
Great voice intonation is much more natural when you’re talking about something that you’re passionate about! Remember, words don’t matter because she’ll feel your passion through your mouth (in more ways than one)! So start practicing in the mirror! Practice talking to yourself or record it as if you’re rehearsing for a speech on your favorite topic. Pay attention to your voice. Notice how you speak around friends and family. But by all means, sure you keep wetting your whistle having a Drink with Jess!
Happy Cinco de Mayo, everyone! Today is a great day to be around people, have some fun times, and of course, grab a margarita in a salt-rimmed glass to enjoy Drinks with Jess!
On this celebratory day, I tend to see the good in every situation, even the common issue many people face: should I stay or should I go, especially when somebody is casually dating others. In fact, I’m actually going through this myself. It’s because of this, that I’d like to take my personal experiences and connect with you.
First, many people jump into relationships without getting to know someone, or without building a foundation. Yet, we wonder why:
A: it doesn't work out, or,
B: we have to pick up the pieces when it falls apart.
This is why, before you get into anything, you have to take the time to identify what makes you happy, and make yourself happy. We see it on facebook all the time. “Oh, I have to find this person,” or “I need a girlfriend”, or “I need a boyfriend.” There’s nothing wrong with wanting to share your time with somebody, but you don’t need it to be happy.
The second thing that’s important before you jump into dating is to know exactly what you want. You can look at your previous relationships to see what you didn’t enjoy about that person, or about the relationship and how it was going, and you can use that to build your list of what you do what. Essentially, this is where expectations and boundaries come in. For example, I had dated a woman who used to text all the time. She was so unavailable to call, and I didn’t, nor don’t believe in forming connections via text. In fact, it’s almost impossible. I took this past situation and said “Okay, I want a relationship or I would like to share my time with a person who has no problem communicating via phone, and no problem with face to face communication.” That’s one of my expectations when dating people.
Have expectations. It doesn’t have to be a lot, because you have to allow some people to make the cut. Have some deal breakers. Those into drug use, overly needy, or who can’t take care of themselves, are deal breakers for me. Because I set this standard, when I go out on a date with somebody who has one of these qualities, I know that I won’t continue dating them. It’s that simple. But what happens when you go through, and I know we make fun of it on the radio: the “90 day rule”. Let’s say you’re casually dating people. That’s where my situation comes in. When you’ve been dating for awhile, you’re starting to build a nice foundation, and then suddenly things start to go not as you expected, there are a couple of things you have to remember.
Number 1: Your dating life, your relationship life, is under your control- not somebody else’s.
Number 2: You can’t wait around to see what they’re going to do. You create what you want to create out of your experiences.
So, let me tell you a little bit about my experience. I was dating about 3 or 4 people, when I ran into someone from my past that I met years ago. We would bump into each other here and there, and it finally got to a point where we got to go out. It was great, and she is an amazing person. The more I got to know her and see that she was a person who possesses the qualities that I desire, I started to weed out the others. We get past the 3 to 3 ½ month phase, which although slow, is still enjoyable. This is so very different for me. I eventually got to a point where I said ”Listen, I’m really enjoying this, I’d like to see where it goes. I’m not interested in dating anybody else at this point.” She said that she’s enjoying getting to know me as well, but she’s still dating other people. This is where we’re not on the same page. It’s at this point where I would normally advise you to walk away. However, if you’re really interested in sticking it out to see what transpires, there’s no reason why you can’t keep dating this person but jump back into the casual dating pool at the same time. As they say, “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander,” but only if you’re honestly comfortable with this solution. Right now, I’m “ok” with it, however, I do have a cutoff point.
I have no problem going on casual dates with other people, but there’s going to be a time, probably in another month or so, where I’m going to have the conversation again. That time is my cut off point if there is no advancement. It doesn’t mean that I don’t care, it doesn’t mean that I’m not interested, it just means that it’s not the dating experience that I want to have. If you are in this situation, don’t get crazy about it. Just relax, and really know what you want. Set that time, and stick to it. We don’t like saying goodbye to someone, especially when getting to know them. We don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings, and sometimes, we're afraid to get back out there. But also, remember during this 90 day period, to be yourself. You don’t need to spend 24/7 with this person. Keep spending time with your friends, keep going out, because if it’s not a situation where you’re on the same page at the same time, you don’t want to be the person at the end to pick up all the pieces.
Take the 90 days. Be an individual. After that point, if you want to continue on, bring it up. If you’re not on the same page, it’s your choice to stay and see what happens for a limited amount of time, or to go and weigh your options. Either way dear readers, you are going to take control of your dating experience and continue to join me for another Drink with Jess!.
Jess is a dating coach, best selling author, and radio personality in Philadelphia. She provides the LGBTQ community with no-nonsense, straight forward advice to understanding your mind in order to navigate the complex dating scene and go after and get the people you desire.