Happy Tuesday fellow readers! It seems like it’s been way to long that we’ve chatted, but even I need a vacation to recharge my batteries. And since we have all heard the great news of gay marriage being the law of the land, it’s time to celebrate! So grab a glass of champagne and enjoy a Drink with Jess!
With the arrival of this monumental moment, I have seen an influx of people not only in great spirits but also striking voices of desperation. Yes, I said it… desperation. One part of my mission is to help people see the best of who they are and then to go after the people or relationships that they want. It all starts with you. It starts with the relationship you have with yourself. As you know, I have no shame, and I have seen the best and worst of me (and fortunately, so have others). Sharing is caring is the saying, right? So why is this particular post so important? This contains the essential steps to get you ready to embark on your quest for love!
You see, many people get into relationships for the wrong reasons. And with the ability to marry now, I have been witnessing a “need” that people claim to have in regards to finding someone to complete them. Right here, I am telling you that the only person you need is you. When you base your thoughts and actions from a point of lack, it will not produce in your favor. Wanting to be in a relationship, get married or whatever it may be, is a desire. Desire sparks intention, and this gives you the choice to take action. So what better way to go after your desires than to know exactly what they are. This makes you accountable for your own journey.
Take a good look at yourself with these steps. Do some soul searching. Be honest with yourself so you can be honest with others.
1. Ask yourself what type of relationship you truly want. To be honest, some people actually enjoy being single and don’t want a full-fledged relationship. Others want the whole until death do us part. This will allow you to choose suitable partners with the same desire and you’ll be less likely to not be on the same page. No one likes to get heartbroken.
2. Get right with yourself. Look at the type of behavior you’ve displayed; all of it! Looking at the good and the bad will allow you to choose who you want to be in relation to the people and occurrences throughout your life. This includes how you behave in the dating/relationship scene. If you’ve been a sappy doormat, admit it. If you have been the perfect boyfriend/girlfriend admit it. If you’ve played people, admit it. If you’ve been insecure, admit it! This again allows you to choose the type of person that you want to be.
3. Know the qualities you’ve witnessed in the people you’ve dated and the qualities you actually desire. If you’ve dated people who took advantage of you, admit it and stop dating those types of people when you see the behavior. If you’ve always enjoyed someone who has a creative quality, keep engaging with those people.
4. Know your boundaries and your expectations. This is important to set early on. If you don’t want to date someone who “flakes” on plans the majority of the time, then don’t. The great thing about expectations or boundaries is that this makes you accountable and can’t place blame on anyone but yourself. If someone keeps “flaking” for example, and you keep trying to make plans with them, then that is you not keeping to your own expectation and boundary. Why hold yourself back by continuing with this person when there are others that won’t flake.
5. Get active. Go out there and start talking to people. If someone is interesting, make a date. If they don’t want to go out with you, don’t harp my friend. There are plenty of people out there that you’ll mesh with. Just stay true to who you are and what you want and you can’t go wrong.
Yes people! It’s an exciting moment and the spirit of summertime love is now upon us! Do yourselves a favor and grab a copy of my book “Seeking Her, Knowing You,” and get ready to start your journey with more detailed information on the steps above. I want everyone out there to find love! Just remember, it starts with you! Now, raise that glass and cheers to you. Thanks for joining me for Drinks with Jess!
Hey everyone! It’s been a busy and amazing two weeks, full of new experiences that caused much reflection. Now I know that sometimes, I go off on a tangent, but I do believe that an experience can relate to many other aspects of our lives. You see, a part of expressing who you are and what you want is knowing the strength that you have. It’s about standing up for yourself with conviction. This isn’t only a quality that is attractive in the dating scene, but it is also necessary in business, with friends and sometimes with family members or people you don’t even know. So make a classic martini (one of the original tough guy drinks) and get ready to grow a spine while having a Drink with Jess.
To kick this off, I want to say thanks to all the readers and listeners out there. I enjoy seeing your Facebook comments and the thousands of emails that I’m receiving. However, at some point last week, I happened to get some very unsupportive, downright nasty, and slanderish comments from a few people in a certain Facebook group which I will not mention. Now I do believe that everyone has a right to their own opinion and to voice it, and that I can’t control what anyone says. So what does this have to do with dating and relationships? It is important and attractive to stand up for yourself. Have a backbone, but with character.
In this particular situation there were 3 ways that I could choose to handle it.
1. I could have replied back with just as much ego deflating, name throwing, and accusing to shut them down, but many times this enables more fighting which I don’t enjoy. Plus, I believe in bringing people together, not tearing them down.
2. I could have ignored it all, which many people say is the correct choice, and for many matters I agree. But when it comes to slander or defaming someone’s character, I’ll take a stand.
3. I could have, which I did, replied in a way that isn’t retaliative, but demonstrates my belief in myself and my work. I didn’t have to throw names around or any other harsh opinion I may have had. I handled it calmly and with integrity.
So in a dating situation or relationship situation, hell, even in a business situation, we often hear others acting harshly or reacting to someone else in a retalitative manner. It’s like I say, no one likes an angry lesbian. Don’t be that one! Even if you are standing up to the person that you are dating, having a backbone solely means standing up for yourself, your beliefs and your opinions. Don’t do it in a mean attitude-driven way, but in a calm and confident manner. This not only shows that you can handle yourself, but that will show your partner that you don’t take crap from anyone. This is the true tough guy mentality, not douche bag mentality. Plus, your partner or potential partner will know that you will stand up for them as well.
Go back in your mind, take a look at how you’ve handled yourself in situations where you did or could have stood up for yourself. Take a look at your actions or reactions on the scale of jellyfish to hero shrew. Seriously, the hero shrew has the strongest spine of all animals! And by all means, calmly sip that martini and join me again for Drinks with Jess.
I really do enjoy my weekends. They always give me a plethora of ideas to talk about, and this weekend was no exception. I have to admit, I had one of the best Saturday nights that I’ve had in a long time. I won’t go into it, of course, but I do want you to get ready to feel a connection. So, in the spirit of warm fuzzies, make a fuzzy navel and enjoy Drinks with Jess.
Women are attracted to those whom they feel a connection with. This one is tricky, because what does it take to make them feel connected? I already discussed how people feel attracted to people via body language and voice, but here’s another secret – it starts with you! Remember, we teach others how to treat us. We equally lead them to feel a certain way about us and around us. So here are my top 10 things that women need to feel and create a connection, and your part in it.
1. She wants to feel positive around you. Be confident, be excited about life, and display high energy. When you have fun, laugh and don’t take life too seriously, this allows her to see you, herself, and the world in a positive light too.
2. She wants to feel that you see her and understand her for who she truly is. Don’t try to impress her. Don’t try to hide. See the true self that you are so you can see it in her.
3. She wants to feel comfortable and safe around you. Let her be herself around you. Let her express her thoughts, feelings, and opinions without worrying about being judged or getting hurt.
4. She wants to feel sexy and desirable, and she wants to feel desire for you. Being confident in your own sexuality and showing that you know that her sexuality is hers to own, she will feel more confident in expressing it.
5. She wants to feel your support. Don’t try to fix her, rescue her, or fix a problem that she is having. Let her handle her own situations and issues, but be willing to “hear” her when or if she decides she wants to tell you about it.
6. She wants to feel free of obligation. Be genuine when doing something. Don’t have any expectations of getting something in return, so she won’t feel obligated or pressured into doing something because you did something for her.
7. She wants to feel equal. Don’t make her feel beneath you, and at the same time, don’t put on a pedestal. Treat her as the human being that she is. Although, a little charm does go a long way.
8. She wants to feel like you’re on the same team. A great way to establish this is using body language when observing your surroundings together by standing or sitting side by side.
9. She wants to feel secure. Stand up for yourself and your beliefs, and by all means, voice your opinions. She’ll know that you’ll stand up for her as well.
10. She wants to feel certain about you. Do not doubt yourself for one minute about anything! Do not let your insecurities take over. If you doubt you, she will doubt you.
So there you have it, dear readers! These are my top 10 things that women need to feel in order to create a connection. For more detail on these concepts, check out my book, “Seeking Her, Knowing You.” But without a doubt, I want you to feel all warm and fuzzy inside by joining me again next week for Drinks with Jess!
Jess is a dating coach, best selling author, and radio personality in Philadelphia. She provides the LGBTQ community with no-nonsense, straight forward advice to understanding your mind in order to navigate the complex dating scene and go after and get the people you desire.