Hello readers! How many of you wait around for someone before you make your own plans? How many of you voice when your partner has disappointed you only to then still do what they want? How many of you are starting to act like no one else in this world exists? How many of you jump faster than a frog in a pond as soon as they say spontaneously that they want to see you tonight? Well I have been bombarded with observations and stories over the past week that I just have to be short and blunt about this. It’s time to understand the all too common act of placing people on pedestals. So fill that glass with your choosing and enjoy a Drink with Jess.
Now I have been guilty of this very act, and you know I’m not shy about my experiences. Thankfully, I’ve only done this with 2 people in my entire dating/relationship past. In addition, when I have acted like this, and placed these women above me, I realized it and got sick of it pretty quickly. What bothers me the most is people who treat these potential partners like God later blame and even bad mouth the other for taking advantage of them. Get this straight people, while there are people in this world that aim to take advantage of others, most of the time we allow it by treating them like a precious piece of art. So stop it! I’m going to explain both sides of the story to make this very clear.
Let’s start with the person who puts others on the pedestal. And yes, I get it. You get excited by this new person, swept off your feet and feel like you’re on top of the world, especially if you’ve been on a dating hiatus for a while. And like a dog sniffing another furry friend’s butt, you want nothing more than to keep this person’s attention and affection. You put the other first and at the same time, this shows them that you have little respect for yourself, so why would they respect you? To be quite honest, people do this out of fear. And what we fear is the known, not the unknown. By this I mean, you now have this “special someone,” and you don’t want to lose them because you know what it feels like to go through a break up, you know what it feels like to be lonely and sexless, and you know what it’s like to have to get yourself back together in order to enter the sometimes complicated dating pool. With this knowledge, you try to control it by worshiping this person so you can avoid this. However, this isn’t going to work. If you simply look at history, everything that reaches the top eventually falls!
Now the person who is being put on this pedestal like they are perfection, actually hates it. If they don’t, I’d question the type of person that they are. At first, they may enjoy the adoration, but because you don’t say “no”, they can get away with anything they want. Not that they want to take advantage, but you’ve set it up that way and they continue living their life to the fullest while you sit and wait. Here is a secret: Sooner or later, the person on the pedestal begins to feel guilty because they feel and know deep down that they aren’t this perfect person deserving of the extreme adoration you bestow on them. Once this happens, they break away… game over. The other event that takes place is that they lose respect and attraction for you. People want someone with a backbone, someone who is confident enough to stand up for themselves, someone who respects themselves, and if you aren’t showing these qualities… again… game over!
So what can you do to stop yourself from this situation?
1. Make your plans and live your life. If you plan a date, wonderful. But don’t cancel plans when all of a sudden, they become available. Don’t wait around until they are available. You deserve a fun life too.
2. It’s ok to say “no.” If you don’t want to go to their family BBQ, it’s ok to say “no.” If you don’t want go to dinner this week because you’re lacking funds, it’s ok to say “no.” It amazes me that little kids say “no” to everything, yet adults feel bad for doing it.
3. Don’t justify poor behavior. If your partner disappoints you, voice it. I’ve been guilty of this. Think about it, you’re friends (if they’re true) will call you out on this as well. For example, you’re partner makes very little time for you yet have plenty of time for their friends. When your friends mention it, you reply with something like “well, she’s just been really busy lately because 3 of her friends are celebrating birthdays this month.” It’s one thing to be understanding of life’s little obstacles, but there is a point where you are allowing this behavior to keep the peace.
Respect yourself because you are in charge of showing people how you deserve to be treated. Take responsibility for your part in this by not placing someone on a pedestal. No one enjoys it anyway, because in hind sight, we all took Physics and know that “what goes up, must come down.” Now throw a lime (or garnish of choice) up in the air, catch it in your glass on its way down with the feeling of accomplishment, and join me again next week for more Drinks with Jess.
Welcome once again, everyone! I hope that everyone enjoyed their first half of summer, and is ready to really knock the 2nd half out of the park. During my mixcloud segment this week, I began to explain briefly about the different types and stages of dating and relationships. It amazes me how many people don’t actually decide on what type of relationship they want. I hope you’re in a daiquiri type of mood (if not, add a colorful umbrella to your glass)! Sit back, relax, and enjoy a Drink with Jess.
As you already know, my presence is everywhere. I continually get offers and asked out by perfect strangers. Each offer is different. Some want a one night stand, some want to casually date, some want FWB and some have even asked if I’d marry them. Several of these come from women I don’t even know. I have my way of doing things, and I know what type of relationship I want. I also know how I want my dating and relationship experience to go. Today, I want to encourage all of you to decide what you want, so you can seek it.
Now, you may be asking, “why is this so important?” Well, imagine you meet someone and you are enjoying the flirtation during the evening. You love being single and don’t want to get into anything deep at the moment. No matter what the reason, you may be only interested in a one-nighter just to keep yourself satisfied for the moment. If that’s what you want, and you own it, that’s perfectly fine. However, the other person may, in their mind, want more. Engaging with this person may lead to some unnecessary problems later.
You see, the importance of knowing and deciding what type of dating/relationship experience you want will also allow you to choose the people who adequately fit into and want the same experience. Think about it: how many times have you been in a situation that ends up with you feeling resentful, agitated, or even blamed or blaming someone else for things not turning out the way either person wants? It’s because you expect the other to be on the same page when it hasn’t been discussed. Or better yet, you both may have put it out there that you agree with the type of relationship or interaction it is, however, in the back of your mind or the other person’s, one of you may not be perfectly honest about what you want. There is always the person that thinks it will change one day or has an "I can change their mind" mentality. Please don’t get yourself caught up in this.
So whether you are the one night stand person, the exclusive relationship person, the casual dater, or any of the other types... OWN it! Be HONEST about it with yourself and anyone you interact with. Make the firm decision of what type of experience you seek and if someone you like doesn’t want the same type of interaction, let them go with ease and grace so both of you can seek the potential partner that fits best. Now finish that delicious daiquiri, and join me again next week for more Drinks with Jess!
It’s Tuesday morning, the birds are singing, and it’s finally rain free. After a fun-filled 4th of July, I’m ready for a break. Have no fear people, just like life, my mind never stops! It’s about 7am, so for today, grab a cup of coffee and enjoy a Drink with Jess!
If you haven’t listened to my mixcloud segment “I Know What You Want” this week, you may want to check it out (lesberealradio.com). You see, I spoke about the difference between being aggressive and assertive. It’s amazing to me that many people don’t know the difference. However, rather than talk about these opposing characteristics, I like to emphasize the positive because that has a greater effect on your dating life.
I will premise by saying that being aggressive is NOT attractive. I repeat. Being aggressive is NOT attractive. However, assertiveness is. So as I enjoy another cup of Joe, here are a few things that will explain how to be assertive in the dating scene.
1. Believe in yourself in every aspect of your life. Assertive people can bet on themselves 100%. They are self-assured and have a positive view of themselves and life. They stand firm in who they are and what they want in dating. How does this work in the dating scene? Well, take a look at number 2.
2. Be bold. Because they are so in tune with themselves, this means they are completely confident in taking risks. This is such a bad ass quality. Assertive people will approach someone but not try to seek their approval. The assertive person will be the one deciding whether the approached meets theirs. For example, if I start a conversation with a woman and I notice she makes fun of others in a judgmental way, that’s where the interaction ends in my eyes. I took the risk, but still stay true to who I am as a person.
3. Reject or get rejected with grace. Whichever one of these is occurring, the assertive person walks away with grace. There are no nasty comments, name calling, or even hounding to try to change or control the rejection. They won’t chase. They are certain about 2 things in this situation. They aren’t going to continue on with someone who doesn’t fit what they want, AND, they aren’t going to put their interest into someone who isn’t interested in them. When you look at these 2 beliefs, there is no reason not to handle either end of rejection without grace.
Again dear readers, this starts with you. Take the positive avenue. Leave behind the aggression and start being an assertive person. Whether it’s in dating, in family life or in business, your confidence will shine through, and experience more positive outcomes. If you want detailed information on this along with much more, grab a copy of “Seeking Her, Knowing You” available on Amazon.com and Kindle, and make sure you join me next time for more Drinks with Jess.
Jess is a dating coach, best selling author, and radio personality in Philadelphia. She provides the LGBTQ community with no-nonsense, straight forward advice to understanding your mind in order to navigate the complex dating scene and go after and get the people you desire.