I love being observant. I happen to be one of those people who “people watch” at the beach, or notices the slight physical movement of others whether they are engaged in conversations or sitting alone. Although I discussed body language in a previous post, I’d like to extend a bit of that into this week’s topic: being confident versus being arrogant. Some of you readers may get a bit angry, but please don’t be. Grab a beer, and forego the expensive scotch or bottle of wine. Get comfy, and put your feet up, because it’s time to get real and have a drink with Jess.
You know, it baffles me when women tell me that I’m arrogant. Usually, if I’m out at a party or at a bar and enjoying talking and dancing with my friends or other women, this comment gets thrown at me, typically by other “masculine” women. Thankfully, I take everything with a “grain of salt” and understand that this comes from the insecure mindset of the other person. All they are doing is displaying a jealous characteristic, which is very unattractive. If you are this type, you may want to curb this behavior. Now, don’t get me wrong. Most women have told me that I’m confident, and they like that about me. So here is the lowdown on what exactly the difference between being confident and being arrogant is, and how the behaviors are displayed.
What is confidence and how is it portrayed? Well, confidence is about taking the time to truly know who you are and love yourself. You own your opinions, you know what you’ve worked hard at accomplishing, and you know what your true assets are, utilizing them without fear or care of what others think of you. With that being said, you also understand that everyone has the ability to accomplish whatever their personal goal is, so you don’t think of yourself as better than anyone else. You are proud of yourself and your personal accomplishments. Simply put, you are positive about you. Those are things no one can take away from you, so you don’t get your “panties in an uproar” when someone tries to put you down or reject you. You know you are an amazing person regardless. You don’t fight back with a vengeance, you move on happily. This is the key to confidence.
As far as seeing confidence in someone’s body language, it’s really quite simple. These are people who stand strong and tall. They have no problem looking at people in their eyes whether they are just saying hello or are deep in conversation. Their arms and hands are relaxed at their sides, sometimes making grand movements when speaking. And when it comes to speaking, their voices do not sound nervous or shaky. They do not convey a sense of doubt. Remember what it was like to be a kid and have to speak in front of a class? Remember how you would sound if you were telling a lie? Your voice was weak, shaky. Sometimes it’s good to keep those faint memories in your mind. Above all else, confident people keep their bodies “open.” They allow others to “see” them and show that they are receptive to you as well.
Now, for the fun part. Displaying arrogance is a disguise. Many times, arrogance is also used in combination with controlling or jealous behaviors. Let me share a story. I was out dancing with a few friends one night. There was a group of women, a bit younger than I am, celebrating one’s birthday. I was standing next to one of the girls at the bar and began a conversation with the group and the birthday girl. As I did this, the one standing next to me looked at me with a scowl on her face. I like being personable, so I said “hey, how’s it going?” She replied with a huff of disgust and rolled her eyes like she was pissed that I was being friendly. She followed this by going over to the birthday girl, who was not her girlfriend, and put her arm around her, staring at me with a smirk like she had something to prove or that she had someone I didn’t. I wasn’t interested in the birthday girl. I was just enjoying the conversation, so it didn’t bother me. As they were leaving, I wished the birthday girl a “happy birthday,” in which she replied with, “thank you for being hot.” Once this was said, the arrogant friend grabbed her and said “let’s go” in an angry manner.
Ok, that was a long story, but it was the perfect display of arrogance I’ve seen “live.” You see, arrogance, as I’ve said earlier, is a disguise. It comes from being insecure about yourself and wanting to “put on a show.” An arrogant person uses external attributes to hide their internal feeling of being inferior. They may do things such as buy everyone drinks all the time, throw around their money, or talk about how much money they spent on something. They may “name drop,” or talk about “who they know.” They may do nothing but talk about themselves and how strong, smart, or accomplished they are. Finally, they may be super hot naturally, capitalize on it, and talk about how many people hit on them. No matter what the manner of their display, it’s just a mask for how they really feel inside, which most time, is the opposite of what they portray. They don’t believe that people will just like them for them. It’s actually pretty sad to see.
I don’t choose to hang out with arrogant people. But, I don’t belittle them nor feed their ego. I want everyone to know that each person has great attributes. Everyone has the power to achieve whatever they want. I want everyone to know that we have all felt insecure, but there is no reason to be. I always say that “we all have a story.” So learn to love all the good and bad about you, and love every bit of it. There is no need to talk about how great you are because when you know it and believe it, it will show through your body language.
With that being said, put down that beer, and let people see the real you… especially yourself. I want the real and true you to join me next week for Drinks With Jess.
Jess is a dating coach, best selling author, and radio personality in Philadelphia. She provides the LGBTQ community with no-nonsense, straight forward advice to understanding your mind in order to navigate the complex dating scene and go after and get the people you desire.