Handle with Care

I had an interesting question come up the other day, and to be honest, this is one of the most common issues I have to advise people on.  Whether you are just dating or in a relationship, we are all human and have our own insecurities.  However, how are we suppose to handle ourselves when the person we are dating or partnered with are feeling insecure and now starting to display that behavior vocally or through their actions?  It’s not as difficult as it seems, so take a deep breath, pour yourself some bourbon and get ready to have Drinks with Jess.

So let’s say for all intent purposes that your girlfriend is starting to act weird.  Maybe it seems as if she expects too much from you.  Maybe she is starting to voice or act jealous when it comes to other women or people in your life.  She may complain about your actions in a way that makes it seem as if she doesn’t trust you, or she could ask questions as if she is seeking validation (commonly known as the “shit test”!)

Admit it.  We’ve all had a time where we have not only seen others insecurities come out, but ours have come out, too.  Hell, I remember asking a woman I was dating, “When you come to Philly, do you ever think about me?”  Needless to say, I was hoping her answer would validate how she felt about me, but obviously this validation we seek is temporary.  Plus, she didn’t give me the answer I wanted.  But I’m going to give you the lowdown on how to handle and respond to this behavior that shows confidence and strength on your part.

•          FIRST:  STAY CALM

Remember, women feel everything.  They base their decisions and reactions on it, like an animal in its natural habitat.  Sometimes, when our partner feels insecure, it starts to breed our own self-doubt such as: the fear of not knowing how, or if we are able to handle the situation.  This is a crazy cycle that will feed both of you!  Once you start doubting yourself, your partner will feel that energy and become or feel even more insecure.  Talk about tension!  

•          SECOND:  NOTHING YOU CAN SAY OR DO WILL FIX HER INSECURITY 

 To be honest, women don’t actually want, nor are attracted to someone who wants to fix their problems, anyway, so don’t do it!  Go fix your car or change the lightbulb, but not her!  It’s like my mother trying to give me advice when all I want to do is vent, until I figure it out on my own.  Your partner’s doubts, fears, etc. are her own; she is accountable for them and responsible for figuring out the cause and understanding her own feelings and reactions.  

•          THIRD:  YOU ARE NOT THE CENTER!

Her insecurity is not about YOU!  She doubts herself for some reason.  The only time it is about you, is if you are actually being dishonest, treating her poorly or being shady and cheating.

•          FOURTH:  SHOW HER YOUR CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF AND HER

All you have to say is “I don’t know what’s going on in your mind or why you’re feeling this way, but I understand that’s for you to figure out.  I can’t fix or change how you’re feeling.  Just know that I love you, and if and when you want to talk, I’m here.”  Say it with confidence while looking her in the eyes.  When you’re done, hug her for God’s sake, then leave it be and keep enjoying your time with her.  When feeling insecure, women don’t need validation; they just want to feel safe knowing that you trust her to handle her own feelings, and that you’ll be there without judgment when she is ready to voice her innermost vulnerabilities. Think about it, when we feel insecure, we test our partner through questions and reactions.  But unless we deal with it ourselves, validation is only temporary, and the same issue will come up again later, including in future relationships. 

Here’s how NOT to handle it

•         I’ve been on both sides.  Don’t change who you are or your life because of her issues; she may actually resent you for it later.  

•          Don’t try to be overly sappy or overly romantic. Just be who you’ve always been with her. Otherwise, she will feel that your overcompensating words and actions are insincere.  Again, here comes the tension and pressure!  Nothing like walking on egg shells, right?  

•         You don’t have to try to convince your partner… That’s not your job!  It’s like they say… truth needs no defense. 

You know... when things get too close too fast, which is the most common thing I see in the lesbian community, we lose ourselves and the relationship becomes our identity.  We get so caught up in new, exciting, sexy times that we forget about ourselves.  Remember that both parties are accountable and responsible for allowing the relationship to develop that way.  She probably didn’t take the time to truly look or confront her insecurities and issues in order to love and believe in herself.  If she is feeling insecure, it’s possible that she has detached a bit from herself and her center.  So use this knowledge to get your head back in gear!

You can’t control her or her thoughts, but you sure as hell can control yours!  So again friends, if this is an issue for you and your partner, stay calm and control yourself and your reactions, she will notice!  Now top off that bourbon, relax and join me next week for more Drinks with Jess.