It’s that time once again, people! It’s called “Springtime”! Yes, this is the time where we are all born anew, and energy starts to awaken. And like a caged animal, we are ready to go back out into the world with reckless abandon. Sniffing around for new loves to play with is exhilarating, however, if you already have your partner in crime, you’d better watch out! No need to fear or get jealous, just grab a Caged Heat (if you haven’t heard of this one, it’s a must… pineapple and papaya, need I say more!) and enjoy a “Drink with Jess”!
A topic that has been coming up in conversation lately is one of jealousy, but commentaries I have heard are not the usual routine of calling someone out for being jealous. These were people voicing their own jealousy, and demonstrating the behavior that goes along with it. These were all women in different relationship stages as well as different ages. I must admit, I was dumbfounded to the point where I wish I had recorded the conversation. But let me break this down for you: It’s not called jealousy, it’s called fear!
My theory is that fearing something is considered a weakness, so we just change the word (in this case, jealous is the word of choice). Let’s look at a few scenarios, to see what people actually fear, and the behavior that shows it. By the way, some of the most deplorable examples can be seen in YouTube videos, you may want to watch some so you understand how NOT to behave!
Scenario 1 – You are casually dating someone.
This is always humorous to me. You begin to date someone casually. You may take them out and notice that they scan the room on occasion. You may see pictures of them on their phone or in their home with other people. In your mind, a wave enters, flooding it with questions. If you are really fearful, they may escape your mouth from time to time. Common ones are: Is it an ex? Are they gay? Who are they? Who are you looking at? Do you think they’re attractive? And the list goes on and on.
Here are a few things to remember in this scenario. First off, breathe! Remember, casual dating is not exclusive. Both parties are allowed to look at, talk to and even go out with others if they so choose! So why all these questions? Because you’re afraid. You are afraid of competition, you are afraid that you aren’t good enough, and you’re afraid of losing (something that’s not even yours by the way)! The best thing to do is to stay present when you’re spending time together. Take it easy, laugh, and have fun. Just because you go out on a date does not mean you are destined for a lifetime. If that was the case, we would all live happily ever after with the first person we ever went out with. Now how wrong does that sound?!
Scenario 2 – You have just become or have been exclusive for a few months.
Yes! The first 90 days are wonderful, right? In this stage, however, some people don’t think that their new significant “exclusive” other should talk to anyone other than them. God forbid they make new friends at school or work that they want to start hanging out with. Talk about giving the “stink eye”! In this stage, the aforementioned questions are now verbally asked, and intentional statements are made by the fearful partner to solicit a reaction that hopefully ends in their validation and statement of undying love and commitment.
If you find yourself in the exclusive stage, please remember that your new love is choosing you at the moment, and you them. However, if you continue the jagging statements or overwhelming probing, your partner will certainly leave. It is not their job to constantly validate you. It’s your job to deal with your fear. During this phase, you are wrapped up in each other, spending way more than normal periods of time together, and slowly but surely, real life creeps back in. Work, friends, family, and jobs have to take some of your and your partner’s attention away from each other. The best thing to remember is that you had lives before each other that were temporarily put on hold. Life has to resume, but that doesn’t mean you will go through some kind of heartache. Relax, and enjoy intermingling as well as taking time to continue as on independent person who has a life of their own.
Scenario 3 – The everyday well established relationship.
These by far are my favorite reactions to witness. You and your partner are good. It’s been a while, and you are happy together (for the most part). You’re lives have blended and hopefully you have not become the “we don’t need to go out anymore because we have each other” couple. On occasion you go out to enjoy a great time with friends, and a random person comes walking by you and your partner. Being nice they look at both of you, smile, and say hi. All of a sudden, you think that they only acknowledged your partner so they decide to follow you and confront you with the ever-so-common, “that’s my girl, you don’t need to talk to her”. This happens to me often.
If you are this person, there is no need for confrontation. To be honest, it makes you look stupid and controlling. People can say hello. Your partner is not your possession. In these situations, I have seen threats, screaming battles, and much worse. If you fear that you can’t trust your partner, I want you to keep this one thing in mind: the only person you need to trust is yourself. What I mean by this is, if your partner acts upon a new desire or engages improperly with another (cheating), trust yourself to know that you deserve better and let them go peacefully. You may fear being alone, starting life over, or going through an experience like this again, but you cannot control life’s ebb and flow, or people. You’ll get through it.
Whew! That was a lot! But when you talk to eight ladies about this, they have a lot to say! Take a look at your fears, because that is where jealousy comes from. Take it light-heartedly, refill your glass, watch some “jealousy” YouTube videos, and join me next time for more Drinks with Jess!
Jess is a dating coach, best selling author, and radio personality in Philadelphia. She provides the LGBTQ community with no-nonsense, straight forward advice to understanding your mind in order to navigate the complex dating scene and go after and get the people you desire.