Happy 2015 to all! After a holiday hiatus, and much needed time out to discover new topics to cover in this blog, I am back with the latest questions and dating advice for the lesbian community. However, with the beginning of the new year, we see the typical act of making resolutions, so sit back, grab yourself some Gatorade and water (you probably need it after all of the festivities) and make some new resolutions while having a Drink With Jess.
I’m going to go to the gym. I’m going to lose weight. I’m not going to bring work home. I’m going to quit smoking or drinking. I’m going to find more hobbies. Yes, there are a plethora of New Year’s resolutions that we proclaim each year. So what is a good resolution for your relationship or dating life? There are many, but resolutions start with YOU. So here is my top 5 resolutions that I’d like you to consider before you embark on the dating scene. These will also help you to make good decisions or walk away from a future mistake.
1. Proclaim what type of relationship status that you want and the reasons why.
I love my single life, however I also believe in monogamous relationships. Sometimes we seldom find, or engage in something that we want because we have no focus or we have little sense of self and think that any person will make us happy. It’s a bunch of crap. It’s amazing to me how many women feel depressed during the holiday season because they don’t “have” someone. Get that thought out of your mind. I personally love being single during the holidays because I can just enjoy my time with family and friends without external obligations. And I know that with Valentine’s Day looming, many feel like losers without a “love” of their own. Please don’t feel this way because to be honest, your identity is not your relationship with someone else. So back to this resolution, state what type of relationship you want and why. Sometimes the reason why gives us an understanding of ourselves that we may have to explore before going after the relationship we want.
2. Take some time to discover all of your good and bad qualities when it comes to relating to others.
Many women proclaim that they need to “feel whole” and “love themselves.” Essentially, this is what it means. You have to be totally honest and look at both your good and bad qualities and actions, and love them all. “How can we love them all,” you ask? When you know both sides, you are in control and can choose which person you want to extend into the world. Think about it. I know what cold feels like, and I know what hot feels like. I like hot, so I turn my thermostat up. This, my friends, is also why the theory of relativity is nothing short of amazing, so use this to your advantage.
3. State the qualities and values that are important to you when it comes to a partner.
This is a very important resolution. Take some considerable time for this. Don’t just say you want someone who is hot or nice, because that won’t allow you to choose someone long-lasting. Seriously, those qualities only take someone so far. I value someone who appreciates and has a healthy relationship with their family. I seek someone that has a creative quality and sets goals. Once you take the time to know someone, you’ll see their true qualities, values and passions. Then you can decide if that is the type of person who fits into what you want. If they don’t demonstrate what you are seeking, don’t hold out waiting for them to change because it rarely happens. Go find someone else who fits into what you want. This, along with the next resolution, will also help you to NOT ignore red flags.
4. Set your boundaries and deal breakers.
This one will be short and sweet. This is important with friends and lovers, even bosses and family members. We hear a lot of talk about people getting rid of other toxic people in their lives, and this is one of the ways that they do it. When you know what you will accept into your life, you’ll quickly become a master at leaving toxic people at the door. Deal breakers are the absolute “no-go!” With that in mind, I’ll share an example of each from my list. One of my boundaries is that I won’t allow someone in my life who thinks that everything should be done on their time. Relationships are a compromise, and as individuals we both have to set aside time to attend to our responsibilities. An absolute deal breaker for me is drug use. State what yours are and stick to them. It will make navigating the dating scene much more efficient.
5. Stand firm in what you want, without excuse and without fear.
People stay in situations or settle because they don’t think there is anyone else out there. We all know logically this is not the case. We also get so wrapped up in new excitement that we forego anything we declare. So here is the biggest new year’s dating resolution of all: take your declarations and stay the course. Don’t make excuses for someone else’s behavior just because you feel lonely. Don’t stand up for what you want and believe out of fear of losing someone. Women like confident women with integrity, and when you apply all of these tips and stand firm, you’ll be in control of your journey.
I hope you are as excited about 2015 as I am. Now go out there and get what you want and deserve. Tune in next time for another Drink With Jess.
Jess is a dating coach, best selling author, and radio personality in Philadelphia. She provides the LGBTQ community with no-nonsense, straight forward advice to understanding your mind in order to navigate the complex dating scene and go after and get the people you desire.