Hello readers! How many of you wait around for someone before you make your own plans? How many of you voice when your partner has disappointed you only to then still do what they want? How many of you are starting to act like no one else in this world exists? How many of you jump faster than a frog in a pond as soon as they say spontaneously that they want to see you tonight? Well I have been bombarded with observations and stories over the past week that I just have to be short and blunt about this. It’s time to understand the all too common act of placing people on pedestals. So fill that glass with your choosing and enjoy a Drink with Jess.
Now I have been guilty of this very act, and you know I’m not shy about my experiences. Thankfully, I’ve only done this with 2 people in my entire dating/relationship past. In addition, when I have acted like this, and placed these women above me, I realized it and got sick of it pretty quickly. What bothers me the most is people who treat these potential partners like God later blame and even bad mouth the other for taking advantage of them. Get this straight people, while there are people in this world that aim to take advantage of others, most of the time we allow it by treating them like a precious piece of art. So stop it! I’m going to explain both sides of the story to make this very clear.
Let’s start with the person who puts others on the pedestal. And yes, I get it. You get excited by this new person, swept off your feet and feel like you’re on top of the world, especially if you’ve been on a dating hiatus for a while. And like a dog sniffing another furry friend’s butt, you want nothing more than to keep this person’s attention and affection. You put the other first and at the same time, this shows them that you have little respect for yourself, so why would they respect you? To be quite honest, people do this out of fear. And what we fear is the known, not the unknown. By this I mean, you now have this “special someone,” and you don’t want to lose them because you know what it feels like to go through a break up, you know what it feels like to be lonely and sexless, and you know what it’s like to have to get yourself back together in order to enter the sometimes complicated dating pool. With this knowledge, you try to control it by worshiping this person so you can avoid this. However, this isn’t going to work. If you simply look at history, everything that reaches the top eventually falls!
Now the person who is being put on this pedestal like they are perfection, actually hates it. If they don’t, I’d question the type of person that they are. At first, they may enjoy the adoration, but because you don’t say “no”, they can get away with anything they want. Not that they want to take advantage, but you’ve set it up that way and they continue living their life to the fullest while you sit and wait. Here is a secret: Sooner or later, the person on the pedestal begins to feel guilty because they feel and know deep down that they aren’t this perfect person deserving of the extreme adoration you bestow on them. Once this happens, they break away… game over. The other event that takes place is that they lose respect and attraction for you. People want someone with a backbone, someone who is confident enough to stand up for themselves, someone who respects themselves, and if you aren’t showing these qualities… again… game over!
So what can you do to stop yourself from this situation?
1. Make your plans and live your life. If you plan a date, wonderful. But don’t cancel plans when all of a sudden, they become available. Don’t wait around until they are available. You deserve a fun life too.
2. It’s ok to say “no.” If you don’t want to go to their family BBQ, it’s ok to say “no.” If you don’t want go to dinner this week because you’re lacking funds, it’s ok to say “no.” It amazes me that little kids say “no” to everything, yet adults feel bad for doing it.
3. Don’t justify poor behavior. If your partner disappoints you, voice it. I’ve been guilty of this. Think about it, you’re friends (if they’re true) will call you out on this as well. For example, you’re partner makes very little time for you yet have plenty of time for their friends. When your friends mention it, you reply with something like “well, she’s just been really busy lately because 3 of her friends are celebrating birthdays this month.” It’s one thing to be understanding of life’s little obstacles, but there is a point where you are allowing this behavior to keep the peace.
Respect yourself because you are in charge of showing people how you deserve to be treated. Take responsibility for your part in this by not placing someone on a pedestal. No one enjoys it anyway, because in hind sight, we all took Physics and know that “what goes up, must come down.” Now throw a lime (or garnish of choice) up in the air, catch it in your glass on its way down with the feeling of accomplishment, and join me again next week for more Drinks with Jess.
Jess is a dating coach, best selling author, and radio personality in Philadelphia. She provides the LGBTQ community with no-nonsense, straight forward advice to understanding your mind in order to navigate the complex dating scene and go after and get the people you desire.