Here at Drinks With Jess, I often encounter several questions on the same topic. For this week’s blog, I am tackling the topic of “Trust”. This is such a common issue, in which seldom do people have concrete advice. Since we are all adults and have had many relationships in our past, we still seem to become worried when someone that we are interested in or are dating, has an ex. Hell, we all have them, many of them! So grab a drink and get comfy.
How do we trust someone if we feel they still “love” their ex, even if they say they don’t? How long will it take for me to trust them? I’ve been in this situation several times. I have dated some who have returned to their ex, even if it wasn’t a good relationship; even when they said from the beginning, it was “totally over”. Another common issue is someone just ending a relationship who quickly has feelings for a new partner without taking time off to get right with themselves. However, I’m here to tell you, trust is not about them- it’s about trusting yourself and knowing what qualities you want in a person so you can stand firm.
For example, I want a woman who can stand on her own 2 feet. I don’t want to date someone who jumps from one woman to the next because she is insecure and can’t handle being alone. This type of woman is not only draining, but will jump to you and from you in record speed. Even after your worst relationship, even when you made the decision to leave, you need to take the time to reset yourself and mourn the loss. Hell, I’ve gone as far as not leaving my house, work being the only exception, for months to become centered and ready to risk for love once again. So if a woman declares she wants to be with you when she is newly single, feel empowered to tell her to take some time to herself, and if she still wants you at a later date, you’d then entertain the idea. Trust yourself in knowing that you don’t want to be the “rebound” or used as an escape for someone who does not take responsibility for themselves and who isn’t comfortable taking time to love themselves. Trust yourself in knowing that you are fine without this person and can stand on your own 2 feet. Trust yourself in knowing that if later, they decide that they don’t want to date you after taking the time to actually mourn their old relationship, then that’s cool, and you’ll meet other women. Trust yourself in knowing that you deserve to date someone who wants you, not settle for one who needs you.
Many times, I feel as though a woman isn’t sure how or when she will trust another, but it’s really an issue of her not trusting her decision to date that person. “I like them, but I’m not sure if I should date them”. “I like them, but what if I get hurt”? Those are your doubts and fears talking. It’s not about the other person at all. This is about you, and not knowing how you will handle a future situation. Be secure in how wonderful and beautiful of a woman you are. Be secure in knowing that if you decide to go for it, and something goes amiss later on, you are strong and confident enough to say that you learned from the experience. Be secure in knowing that if it doesn’t work out, it is not a failure, it is simply bringing you closer to understanding what you want and making different choices later.
Now, I don’t judge what anyone else does, but I look at it this way. If I am attracted and desire a strong and independent woman who loves and respects herself, am I going to want to date a woman who would return to a past lover who didn’t treat her right or even did something like cheat? Hell no. Granted, we all have an ex or two that we would consider re-dating, but the more I think about it, there would have to be major changes, and people don’t necessarily change their behavior or how they treat others. With that being said, I quickly remember why I wouldn’t go back. To the ladies wondering whether or not they should date someone if they feel the other is still “in love” with an ex, don’t fear. Trust your gut when making the decision. Remember, as a woman, you base your decisions on how you feel- so if your gut tells you something, for God’s sake, trust it! If you do start dating and they decide to go back to their ex, let them. They’ll see why that person was an ex to begin with, and by that time, you’ll be stronger, more confident and most likely move on to someone who truly deserves you.
So be strong, be confident and be you. I hope you enjoyed a Drink With Jess.
Jess is a dating coach, best selling author, and radio personality in Philadelphia. She provides the LGBTQ community with no-nonsense, straight forward advice to understanding your mind in order to navigate the complex dating scene and go after and get the people you desire.